Danish ‘People’ Party framing ‘Somalians’.

Not a great surprise,  but the story is simple.  Danish Twisted as Fuck ‘People’ Party (Danske Folke Parti) pretending that ‘Somalians’ are sending their leader deaththreats.  I can believe this one.

This story had ‘FRAME’ written all over it. DFP are great at fanning flames.  And you know, if it walks like shit, it talks like shit, it smells like shit:  it is shit.

Even if DFP weren’t behind this as a stunt,  I could still believe they were capable of it.

http://politiken.dk/indland/article906005.ece

Jeeze, you know, sometimes I think That Dog Pia and her puppies are getting to be worse than the Social Democrats!  What’s the world coming to eh?

That Dog.

..and one of her sick little puppies.

Oh don’t worry, in Denmark it is okay to MOCK.  That is what free speech is all about.  Mocking and being nasty, that is what tolerance is all about.  Mocking, and being nasty.  Woops,  but um, maybe I overstepped the line by mocking and being nasty about public Danish figures??? I better sort that out.

Edit:  above captions should read “A Somalian Muslim” (Picture one) and “A Muslim Prophet” (Picture two).

Phew, glad I got that sorted out.

Remember kids,  in Denmark we are careful about who we mock.

Edit:  newsflash:  perhaps the social democrats are not so crap after all,  turns out at least a couple of members have real balls.  See here:

http://politiken.dk/politik/article906321.ece

Basically,  a social democrat saying:  “Enough is enough you horrid little Danish ‘People’ Party loons.”

‘Skadet danskere provokere fanatisme Publishing Kurt Westergaard’s cartoon var en aggressiv handling født i Danmark’s modvilje mod at respektere religiøs overbevisning’

I’m not a BIG fan of google translate,  but you know, many danes find it useful to understanding Engrish, and just this once, I’ve been persuaded.  Usually, when I want to translate anything from Danish to English,  I sit and translate it properly,  which is especially important when decrypting the Danish of Denmark where you’ll find a nipple is a breast wart and someone who doesn’t have completely clean flour in the bag is a total lunatic.

Plenty of times I’ve translated Danish ‘news articles’ into Engrish for the benefit of those who don’t won’t can’t speak Dannish.  Politiken is pathetically barren when it comes to articles in English, and the Copenhagen Post?  Ye Gads, less said the betta.

But it is high time we started translating Engrish into Dannish for the benefit of our Denish readers,  who really do miss out.  And not just on proper food neither.  The Danes at large miss out on so much because there just isn’t the space for it here.    But we need to MAKE space.  Danes need us here.  We are here for a reason, ask Oprah.  It’s all part of some great divine plan.  We are needed, people!!!!  Do what you can to help.

So without further preamble, I lead you into my first sojourn into Google Translate. I gave it a well written article by some bird named Nancy Graham Holm, who got published in the broadsheet ‘The Guardian’.  (Article originally entitled ‘Prejudiced Danes provoke fanaticism’.)

Take it away, Google Translate:

“På New Year’s Day, kom Kurt Westergaard og hans barnebarn tæt på at miste livet, da en økse-wielding fanatiker trængt ind i deres hus. Det var den seneste i en række forsøg på angreb, der kan spores direkte til den strafbare handling forårsaget af Westergaard’s cartoon for danske avis Jyllands-Posten i 2005.

Hans tegneserie afbildet profeten Muhammed i en turban med en stang dynamit stikker ud fra toppen. Muslimer har undladt at se Westergaard’s cartoon som satire. Stedet, de så i det en fornærmende og ydmygende besked: muslimer er terrorister. Ydmygelse er en ødelæggende følelse. Men de fleste mennesker, der er fornærmede vil acceptere en undskyldning. Hvis en undskyldning var blevet kommende fra den daværende statsminister, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, at der sandsynligvis ville have været ende på det – men ingen kom, og ydmygelsen blev forværret.

Tre måneder senere flere imamer pakkede deres dokumentmapper og bærbare computere og bestilt flybilletter til Mellemøsten. De transporteres med dem en 43-siders dokument, skabt af en gruppe danske muslimske præster fra flere organisationer. Denne såkaldte Akkari-Laban dossieret var designet til at forelægge deres sag og anmode om støtte til deres harme. Danmark blev en “fjende af islam”, og dette resulterede i landets værste udenrigspolitiske krise siden Anden Verdenskrig.

Hvorfor har redaktionen på Jyllands-Posten vil håne islam på denne måde? Nogle af os troede det var i dårlig smag og også grusom. Forsætlig ydmygelse er en aggressiv handling. Som en journalist nu bor i samme by som Westergaard, tænkte jeg nogle på Jyllands-Posten havde handlet som gnaven unge. Danskere ikke kan se, at de har udviklet et samfund, dybt mistænksomme over for religion. Dette er det virkelige problem mellem Danmark og muslimske ekstremister, der ikke ytringsfrihed. Det frie samfund forskrift er blot et forsøg på at give gerningsmændene den moralske høje jorden, når det i virkeligheden er et skalkeskjul for en dybt rodfæstet fordom, ikke mod muslimer, men mod religionen i sig selv. Muslimer er forelskede i deres tro. Og mange danskere er mistænksomme over for alle, der elsker religion.

På den sidste dag i American Society for Muslim Advancement’s konference i 2006, Flemming Rose, Jyllands-Postens kulturredaktør, der anmodede om Muhammed-tegningerne, aftalt at mødes de delegerede og tog mere end en times spørgetid. Jeg oplevede denne udveksling og beundrede hans ærlighed.

“Er du slet ikke religiøs?” nogen spurgte ham. “Nej fleste danskere er ikke religiøs,” svarede han. “Godt så … kan du ikke mindst at respektere religiøse mennesker?” “Nej, egentlig ikke,” Rose svarede oprigtigt. “Generelt mener jeg, danskerne er lidt mistænksomme over for religiøse mennesker.”

Danskerne er ikke mere racistiske end nogen andre vestlige nation, men mange af dem, især intellektuelle, har alvorlige problemer med religiøse troende. Westergaard har været på besøg i Amerika og holde foredrag om sin rolle i 2005-Muhammed Muhammed-krise. I New York den 30. september sagde han til publikum, at muslimer er nødvendigt at udvikle en sans for humor og en vurdering af satire. De skal forstå, at de ikke er “fri for at blive hånet eller at blive fornærmet”.

Ser det natlige nyheder i februar 2006 var en rystende affære for de fleste danskere. De så deres flag brænde i gaderne i Damaskus, Beirut og Teheran. De cringed som demonstranter skreg voldelige slogans og oprørerne angreb deres ambassader. Politiet affyrede i skarer, der resulterede i mere end 100 dødsfald.

Nu danskerne vil ikke ned, og de få, men skæbnesvangert sindssyg radikale ekstremister vil fortsætte kampen. Den første større reaktion kom i januar 2008, hvor dansk politi anholdt en celle af ekstremister, der var anklaget for at planlægge Westergaard mordet. Der er 87 mænd i Danmark med navnet Kurt Westergaard og alle af dem nu har politiet beskyttelse. Fire måneder senere, selvmordsbombere angreb den danske ambassade i Islamabad, 30 sårede og dræbte seks. Al-Qaeda tog æren for angrebet, hævdede, at det var gengældelse for tegningerne og de 700 danske soldater i Afghanistan. I oktober 2008 blev to mænd dømt i danske domstole for at forberede et terrorangreb.

Denne gang Westergaard’s angriberen blev fanget – men en anden person derude venter på en lejlighed til at slå til igen.”
Now I’ve read it through, I have the distinct impression that maybe the journalist wrote it in Danish first and used google translate to turn it Engrish.

I am a little confused by this article though, because it doesn’t seem to really go anywhere.

*sigh*

Oh by the way, I am looking to commission a series of cartoons depicting an elderly cartoonist running for cover in a safe room leaving his infant grandchild alone with a mad axeman wearing a turban with a bomb poking out the top.  Any offers?

Once I was afraid, I was petrified.

Denmark shoots itself in foot, and airs dirty laundry in public.

I’ve been thinking about how the law in Denmark has affected us. There have been so many laws passed hurriedly of late, and I am no longer amazed at how little this affects the overwhelming majority of people who live here,  Danes might be aware of changes being made on their behalf, but they aren’t making any great moves to stop them.  We are having our rights rapidly legislated out of our reach, and very little is being done to counteract these changes in the law.  There is little visible protest.

The new law ‘lømmelpakken’ that allows the police new powers of arrest has threatened to wipe out any further protests in Denmark.

The law as it was has been working, we were afraid to speak out.  Denmark 1,  Foreigners,  Activists,  Dreamers and Oddballs:  0.

I found out about the demo’s relating to COP15 through word of mouth and chance encounters.   I hadn’t planned to attend any open protests or demonstrations.   I have seen the way protesters are handled here,  it is a worry, and then came the new law, adding insult to injury.

But what is it I was afraid of?

Honestly? At the front of my mind was that I have a health condition that requires me to receive treatment on the spot should I need it, and I’d seen how the police here handle protesters, roughly – would I survive that?

I had a nightmare image of myself firstly getting arrested for just being at a protest, secondly getting pepper sprayed due to reacting to being arrested for just being at a protest and thirdly then dying on a cold cement floor due to not getting the medical treatment when I needed it.

I was also afraid of losing everything through getting into ‘trouble’.  Not just the being arrested sort of trouble, but the being known as a protester sort of trouble.  I was too afraid of the repercussions to actually get out there in all seriousness.  Of course I was joking when I said that Denmark needs a kick up the arse,  please, don’t write that down.

I did,  however, attend a small demo recently,  in another part of Denmark, and noticed straight off, the laughably obvious plain clothes policemen and women milling around the pre gathering space (a busy train station) and eyeballing the colorful teenage anarchists and revolutionary types before they moved onto the start of the little march.  This concerned me,  because I was also being eyeballed. It must have been my big wooly hat.  Oh shucks, is that me fucked then?  Is that me on some kind of list???  I certainly hope not.  After all, I am innocent.

I stood and listened to the initial speeches, did the march,  kept my mouth shut abstaining from any chanting or shouted calls for revolution,  and then slipped away when the march reached its conclusion and so didn’t stay to hear the follow up speeches.

That was about as much as I could ‘risk’.  I was glad to meet the people who did march on. Though a small gathering, there was a great atmosphere within the ranks of the protesters,  but peering out to the shopping crowds who lined the streets to let us pass, I saw a lot of disgust on the faces of the Danish populace.  Grey lined angry faces openly sneering, making remarks.  Old and young,  they sneered.  I haven’t encountered such unanimous hostility before.  That shocked me,  because there was such a contrast between the rainbow loving vibe of the marchers and the grey horror of the spectators.

I am not going to judge anyone for not taking part in a demo, because it does take some sacrifice to do such a thing.  But my concern is that protest is being crushed altogether in Denmark, there is too much resistance to being disobedient.  We need to remember to protest.  To be brave where we haven’t been brave before.

COP 15 will end, and those of us who have set up home here will be left with what we’ve got.  Without the international influence, the legendary 100,000 people strong march on the 12th in Copenhagen would not have happened.

See, protest in Denmark has long been a paltry affair.  The Danes do stand up now,  but only in small numbers and then they sit down quickly.  If they don’t, they get beaten by the system one way or the other.  How can I prove this?  By compromising the trust of the people I know who have been beaten into submission here, by telling stories of threats from above and sanctions being placed and families and jobs at stake?  Nah.  So, I guess you will have to take my word for it if you don’t already know for sure. Stepping outside the system in Denmark takes more than just guts, it takes support,  hard cash and nerves of steel.  Most of us buckle and cow tow.

The fear in protest here was not brought about this month,  Denmark’s been hard on protest for a long while..  I remember on a visit to a friend in Århus in 2006, stumbling across an anti racist march.  It was certainly only a very small group of harassed looking young people.

I was taken aback because I saw the police before I protesters, they were out in force,  so many of them, and their vans parked in a peculiar formation to one side, and a line upon line of politi to the other.  And such a small group of kids!

I approached one of the marchers, a more mature looker,  and asked him very naively why he hadn’t organised them into a bigger group to warrant the police attention?  He did smile, it was a joke after all, but his face was strained.   He walked on with the group. I remember  the fear in his eyes and the way he kept his daunted gaze on the police gathering.

The way the politi had placed themselves and their vehicles,  it was confrontational.   Jokeworthy if it hadn’t of been pantcrappingworthy.  I seem to remember hearing dogs barking from within vans too.  It was over the top.

Fear and tension permeated the air,  and I decided to ask a politi man what was up with the dramatic police presence.  I asked him why the police were there in force,  and responded to his reticence by telling him I assumed it was to protect the children so they could have their wee demo in peace.  I’d heard there was a nazi demo in town the same day,  and the nazis in Denmark do a fair bit of ‘perker-lover’ battering,  alledgedly.  How NICE of the popopoliti to protect the protesters.   I said.

Anyway, the policeman was well tense and he got a bit annoyed with me.  I had essentially joined the protest.  He basically told me to hop it.  Said I was preventing him from doing his job, which was, um, towering above a bedraggled gaggle of teenagers in his stab proof vest.

The rumor was that the nazis that day were treated differently, that they got a police escort, where the anti racists got the police presence.   I have to believe what the anti racists say,  because let’s be frank, they are the sanest.

The Danish police are under fire for what they have done.  Yet they are under orders, from the top.  The Danske Folke Parti (Danish Peoples Party) have been too quiet since COP15,  this I don’t get,  but my suspicion is that they have been sitting back with popcorn.

The Danish press have shown photo series that appear to glorify the police role in the protests.  This is an attempt to make the police people look good, when in fact, they look very very bad.

On a one to one basis,  I’ve never been badly treated by a policeperson, in fact, they always seem to be on my side,  but right now, that doesn’t mean I will resist the urge to protest where possible.  In future I hope to add my support in person to the people who dare.

I’d rather be the person falling from the top of a  police van, after having his brains beat out by a policeman, than the policeman who is standing watching the falling guy with a sneer of satisfaction shown visibly behind his helmet mask.  And yes, the numbers were clear.

What I won’t continue to do, is to sit in fear.

The ‘lømmepakke’  demo arrest law giving the police the powers to detain people with no due cause may have frightened a good many of us off momentarily (many are scared off),  but who can listen to reports of friends being attacked, and not stand up and do or say SOMETHING?

Thankfully, the word is now out, draconian methods of control are at work here,  as revealed in the excellent article by Bibi van der Zee for The Guardian:  ‘Activists reveal tactics used by police to ‘decapitate’ CPH climate protests’.

There are many who are shocked and scared into being quiet and submissive in Denmark,  and yet there is likely to be a number of people who have been radicalized by the recent proceedings and politi-ical brutality.

This could be a wake up call.  Sure we are losing rights, but that doesn’t mean we are finished.

So..um…Take the power back.

*runs for the border*

Denish Government Statement: Unemployed muslim women will lose their unemployment/welfare support, if they do not stop doing Islam with headscarves.

Islamaphobes (“oooooo scarey beards and headscarves oooooo coming to take out jobs and ruin christmas ooooo”) will love the latest news about how Denmark plans to treat ‘the muslim race’.

Muslim women stand to lose their welfare/unemployment support,  if they don’t take jobs given by employers who require muslim women to remove their headscarves in order to work for them.

A politician from the elected ‘Venstre Social Democrat’ leaders stated in parliament that there are conditions attached to the reception of welfare/unemployment support and one of them is that a claimant is available for work.

And that a person claiming welfare/unemployment support isn’t available for work if they possess ‘qualities’ that prevent the claimant from taking ‘ordinary work’.

And that one of the ‘qualities’ that prevent a muslim woman from getting work is her headscarf,  so it’s time to take out the trash and teach these women a lesson.  If they don’t take off their head gear,  they can bloody well whistle for their money and starve hahahahahahaha.  That’ll teach them.

A clear message from our bosses at the Parliament:  wearing a headscarf is no excuse:  you take it off if you want your cheque.

But hold on a minute?!!  Couldn’t this affect ordinary folk?

What about those ordinary folk who are not doing Islam who have found it is their RESPONSIBILITY to acclimate to the Danish way of life?  Those who have been studying who the Danes are?  Who have been learning Danish and aligning their practices with the Danish standards?  Who believe that the Danes established this country and the Danish system long before their arrival?

What about those ordinary folk, those self confessed non-muslims who ask:   “who am I to demand that the Danes just accept me with open arms?”  It’s a valid point.  Why should the Danes accept you foreigners with open arms?  #1: You talk funny.  It’s an instant barrier.

Anyway,  It is not about conforming, but rather having respect for this country that you chose to enter…or not choose to enter in the case of people who ended up coming here to take refuge when it was any port in a storm.  So come on, respect the country,  and do whatever you are told, and for crying out loud, work on that accent.

And  listen up all you cancer stricken who wear headscarves!  Those who are finding working a difficulty and need to claim government support.  No excuses now!   Get that scarf off your head… Mind you,it’s not just any old headscarf you aint allowed, it is specifically the MUSLIM headscarf.

So now I am starting to wonder.  Can a woman wearing a MUSLIM headscarf be excused from seeking work or excused from being penalised for wearing her headscarf if she has cancer? At what stage is a person recovering from cancer expected to stop wearing muslimesque headgear and get back to work?  Will she then still get her cheque?  Or will she be told that a doctors note will be almost sufficient, but that she has to change her head gear from being ‘arab looking’ to the more modern cancer cap?

See, Denmark is about progress.

And that means that women who need to claim unemployment benefit will be penalised for not removing their headscarf…unless they can prove they have cancer perhaps?  Even then, I reckon that what it boils down to is that a sick woman is preferable in Denmark to a muslim woman.  I don’t know why that is.  They’d rather have them dying than praying on a mat.  And what with cancer recovery rates in DK being what they are..whole thing stinks.

Funny old world.

Protest is futile.

“Jailing of Tadzio bang out of order” Says Lawyer.

But you know, one person can’t make a difference.  Now sit back, open another bag of potato chips and enjoy the rest of your pitiful powerless excuse of a life….

STOP PRESS!STOP PRESS!STOP PRESS!

High level interview with high level popoliceperson now translated to Engrish for benefit of our lesser readers:

A sweetie factory cum communal vegetairan dwelling place was raided and ransacked today and a number of cycles taken away by the Purleaze.

A high level popoliceperson was compelled to give a reason for the action and he stated that the cycles were in fact illegal, in his head anyway.

“THIS BIKE IS NOT A LEGAL MODEL!”  He said.  “We believe,  we believe,  we believe, we do believe that they will use it for something….NOT legal!  In COPENHAGEN!”

Like … uh…what, for example?

“Yeah BUT, this is what you see around Europe, and then we make an assessment…”

What is it the police think is illegal?

“Is it to cycle on,  when you find it on Lærkevej?  NO. Just like when you find somebody who wears a gasmask, and has pliers and masks,  you know, so we know it’s for something wery NOT legal.”

What sort of illegal activities do you honestly think you can use the cycles for?

“Um, well, we don’t know yet.  Ask my mum.  She’s over there, making the sandwiches.”

Mum indeed.

AND your mom.

To which I’d like to add:

Mr High Level Popo?

DID you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

AND:

YOUR MOM ….. is so dumb,  she sat on the TV and watched the SOFA.

In other news today…

http://politiken.dk/klima/Topmode_i_Kobenhavn/article860763.ece

“There is something wrong in Denmark.”

Well hellloooo, what took you so long?

Police raid sleeping quarters of several hundred activists CPH 3am

fucking activists again

In the wee small hours of last night,  a group of police clad bigtime in riot gear,  stomped up to the sleeping quarters of a place in CPH housing several hundred slumbering so called ‘activists’ from around the world.

The shame of it is that according to a spokeswoman for the ‘Climate Justice Action’ group, there was a ‘dialogue system’ in place which should have allowed for the riot police to give the CJA a little tinkle on the telephone to warn the activists “Alloalloallo!  We are on our way, put your knickers on!”

But no.  Riot police forgot all about a deal in the bumrush and couldn’t resist it.  Anyway, they were in search of DANGER.  And,  allegedly,  WEAPONS.

They did find a few teddy bears and the odd soft blanket,  but no real DANGER.  So after about an hour (allegedly) they left with some power tools,  a raw plug that was all bent out of shape, and some drawing pins.  All of which could of course be made into weapons of mass destruction if we don’t keep hassling these criminals who decide to take the law into their own hands.  God DAMN those suffragettes!!  God DAMN THEM TO HELL.

Thank god for our sensitive security services, ridding the world of one power tool at a time, and keeping US all safe in our beds at night, by waking up sleeping climate activists.

Those activists need to be stamped out and forced to eat yesterdays ryebread and fishpaste.

I say:  send em back where they came from!  We don’t want you long haired perka lovers here:  so don’t think we’ll roll out the red carpet FOR YOU!

Oh and hahahaha, did you hear the one about the carefully worded document that suggested that the poor people suck it up?  Yeah, me too.  A friend translated it for me, because she much better to engrish than me am.  But it was clear,  BUSINESS AS USUAL,  and sod the poor,  just their karma innit?

And remember folks…activists could be all around you. Keep an eye open, and remember to report any suspicious activity to your local law enforcers, we just can’t take any chances in this climate of fear and terror.

Think of the children,  folks, think of the children.

Links to informative news (obviously give the DanePress a wide berth):

With up to 30,000 activists gathering in Copenhagen, there are five key days when the Danish authorities will be preparing for trouble

Danish Police raid CPH climate campaigners’ rooms

AN ACTIVIST’S GUIDE TO COPENHAGEN.

The activists’ circus comes to CPH.

GAZA’S CHILDREN.

We knew this: Denmark – a wasteful society despite the hype.

The Los Angeles Times has written a little indictment of Danish society.

“Denmark’s green credentials obscure some unpleasant facts”

My take on this has always been that commonly people calling themselves Danes are bigger consumers than people calling themselves American,  for example.  A quick nose or trip down memory lane around the family homes of the Americans I have known shows that the parents tend to be more thoughtful about what comes into the house than is common among the people who call themselves Danes I know or have known.

Denmark has had some great intentions. One of the reasons we chose to be here was at the time, we were acting in good faith,  Denmark APPEARED to be green.  It was sure coming up with a lot of green intentions.  All that ceiling lowering etc.

However, the myths about Denmark don’t stand up long under even the simplest scrutiny.

The Los Angeles Times article touches apon the fact that the people who call themselves Danes chomp through unfeasibly heavy amounts of animal flesh day in and day out all year.  Denmark is fat not phat, and probably spends a lot on constipation remedies. I don’t know though, because I don’t want to be the one to look it up.

Perhaps a newspaper will do an article on how constipated Denmark is.

The article quotes a big wig expert on the situation, who mentions how “happy and self satisified”  the people calling themselves Danes have been.  We’ve been freaking happy and self satisfied about how happy and self satisfied we are here, on Denmark, the glittering Isle of all that is right and on the ‘right track’.

Hoorah for the Los Angeles Times!  For that.

Denmark embarrassed, shoves evidence under carpet at last minute and affects suitably remorseful expression.

Read the full article in the British newspaper The Guardian, headlined:

Copenhagen summit: Denmark rushes in laws to stop carbon trading scam

Climate change summit host embarrassed as criminals make most of lax laws to pocket VAT on emissions trading

I think it’s obvious that the point of me suggesting you read this article is to witness the brown nosing Denmark is doing,  rather than the criminal swindling now suitably shoved under carpet.

http://www.flickr.com/groups/amessagetocopenhagen/ (The Guardian’s Flickr.

Read also:

Exclusive: World’s leading climate change expert says summit talks so flawed that deal would be a disaster.

Copenhagen climate change talks must fail, says top scientist.

CHRISTMAS IS JUL #4678: making confectionary.

I am afraid you missed the boat.  All of they julfrokosts are over now, everybody has bought their presents,  and the shops are now filling up with Easter beer.   Hahaha, joke. Did you get it???  Or did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

But anyway, if you’d been organised like everybody else you would have been making confectionary last week.

This is when you get together with a finite number of Danshish.  This isn’t a big gathering, it is small and intimate.  Perhaps a mother in law,  a couple of cousins,  and definitely some kids.

This is what you do:

-lay out a red table cloth

-light a red candle

-put some JUL musak on

-make some hot wine with nuts in it

-get out a bowl and put some small domed biscuits in

-get out a plate and put some flat round biscuits on

-put on a red and green apron

-get your mother in law to put on a red and green apron

-talk about roast duck and pig crackling

-NOTE:  DO NOT MENTION FRIKKADELLA

-persuade present children to switch off their hand held video games with promise of high sugar rush soon.

-refill bowl with small domed biscuits

-make children sit at table and yap brightly about how ‘hoogalit’ everything is

-get out rolls of jumbo industrial sized marzipan

-glance up and smile at your mother in law who is simpering about how ‘hoogalit’ everything is

-get out slabs of chocolate,  melt some of it, chop the rest.

-glance up and smile at your mother in law who is simpering about how ‘hoogalit’ everthing is

-get out various nuts and confectionary stuff

-form ingredients into confectionary, basically any variation of a nut wrapped in marzipan and chocolate and rolled in coconut or someother stuff you feel is necessary to make it really ‘hoogalit.’

-agree with your mother in law that yes,  this is hoogalit.

-ask your children brightly if this isn’t hoogalit?

-drink hot wine with nuts in

-help kids to make their own confectionary,  vow to remember which ones they have made so you don’t have to eat the booger encrusted ones.

It’s a tradition that many Danshish would feel bereft without, and I hope I have described it well enough. I never eat confectionary that an ungloved unqualifed person has been rolling through their mucky mits and I predict that infection and illness will skyrocket in about a week due to the practise of communal confectionary making.

Apart from that,  blogland a bit flat as we all burrow deeper into our JUL SURVIVAL mode, and start to psyche ourselves up for the one day of the year we can’t gloss over the family details.

Mantra for you:  I love my spouse’s family, they are good to me.  I love my spouse’s family, they are good to me.

Yeah, right.  That’s right, keep looking in the magic mirror.

Oh and, have you heard the latest?  I AM an ironic construct.

Free Translation Danish – English.

The TV2 Zulu channel as a Danish stand up comic program.  It is really dire.

Usually I can’t watch it, it’s bad comedy, thinks itself clever and the audience are clapping in that peculiar slow clap that Danes do.  It’s all very disconcerting.

Plus, it’s not my imagination,  I only ever flick past that program and watch a 2 minute segment every time before moving on in disgust,  and each and every time I have left thinking:  “We are not wrong about the Danish culture.”

There are a lot of racist jokes.  They are not even funny racist jokes.  I can sort of understand a crass or non politically correct joke IF it is funny.  But these wetly weak fart of a Danish jokes about muslims?  So so sad and embarrassing.  I guess they are doing them to ‘let off steam’ and well, the audience, taking a look at it, packed to the rafters with 99% ‘whiteys’.  I don’t like to use the word ‘white’ in a derogatory sense,  but it was that or ‘Danish’ and I don’t like to say that being Danish is about being white.

Tonight there was a young ‘comedian’ up on the stage. She looked like an overgrown slightly melted version of Nicole Kidman,   like Nicole Kidman if she’d been pumped up to blistering point and then soaked in a barrel of rice pudding for a day.  Bloated is the word.  Anyway,  my translation is not perfect, but here is the segment of her well honed ‘act’ I had the misfortune to witness:

“People are fascinated with my freckles,  they are always trying to rub them off…..I went to Cairo,  Egypt and I went into a mosque, and there was this ugly disgusting old toothless man who came up to me and started caressing my arm and looking at my freckles and he said…“

(this bit she did in English..)

“ooooh you are so  BEAUTIFUL!!!  What are you eating in Denmark that makes you so BEAUTIFUL???”  so I said “BACON”  “PIG!”  “OINK OINK!!!”  “

 

erm, yeah, babe, like that is funny.   But the audience went WILD,  ha fucking ha.  I am not sure they weren’t laughing because she actually looked like a pig though.

Then she went on to say something like:

“But I am not racist, I think it is important to show the world I am not racist and that I have respect for other cultures, and that is why I have a bumper sticker showing a picture of the Prophet Muhammad on the back of my car!  ….Nah,  I was only joking, of course I don’t have a picture of the Prophet on the back of my car…that would be SUICIDAL.  Actually, it’s just some mud that has splattered up from the road that looks like the Prophet Muhammad.”

Crowd went crazy again. Uh.  Now, this isn’t funny on any level, not even in a ‘o wow she is so irreverent and zany’ sort of way. It just isn’t funny.  It just isn’t even useful for anything.  It’s plain nasty humor, like my comment about her LOOOKING LIKE A FAT PIG.  I mean, sure, if we look at it a certain way, she did look like a real mean ugly pig.  And when her mouth moved it did look like an ugly pig chewing something that she found stuck to the bottom of her shoe, but really!  What kind of a person makes an UNFUNNY cruel joke?

Then it just isn’t funny.  I try to avoid watching Danes get entertained, I have seen it more than a few times and lost my faith in human nature.  I mean, if we can stoop THAT low, any of us, what hope is there?

And that fecking slow clap they do!  And the way they throw beer at concerts!  And film every event through the lens of their mobile.

Anyway, other news I will translate for you today:

‘The use of the contraceptive pill in Denmark amongst girls under the age of sexual consent is violently increasing (numbers from ‘Lægemiddelstyrelsen’ show). In 1999,   3.086 girls under 15 were prescribed the contraceptive pill – last year the number had climbed to 6.570 girls between 11-14 years young.’

Now it is quite obvious what is going on here.  It is all the ‘invandrer’ girls, they come here and they are just taking all our western medicines and infecting our sweet young daughters.  As soon as we get rid of the immigrants this problem will be solved.  OR it is the worldwide habit of stifling natural processes and treating menstruation as an ailment needing to be ‘cured’.  The pill, like the hysterectomy, like anti-depressants…these are all magical god-doctor cures for many ailments.

Here is another one for you:

‘Every third Danish hospital patient gets a bedsore.’

Obviously all those immigrants again,  mouldering away in OUR LAND.  And taking up valuable hospital beds that could be used for DANISH.

Anyone who has had to take care of someone with a bedsore knows pure and simple, these breakdowns of the body are caused by pure neglect.  Standards in Danish hospitals are at an all time low.  I can tell you for an inside fact, that if you or anyone you know has had contact with the Danish hospital system and come out whole and well and not negatively affected or butchered and carved up….this was NOT due to medical expertise or high standards…it was due to LUCK.

If you feel you have had a great experience in a Danish hospital then I promise you, it is because of your low standards or your inattention to detail or because you are basically glad you aren’t dead so just getting up in the morning is a constant recurring miracle.  Or because you don’t know any better.  Or because you were LUCKY.

This may be the time, if any of you Danish hospital damaged people out there need to outpour what you have often told me in private emails or talks (i.e: what horrific experiences you have had in contact with the Danish doctors/nurses/midwives) then you can outpour in the comments, and leave it as anon.

That’s enough translating for one day.  Although I can sort of bear to read Danish,  it is easier on the eye than on the ear.

 

 

CRIMINALITY IN DENMARK : otherwise known as how expats get their products.

I am making a big show of late about how I consult the authorities before I do so much as fart in a cupped hand and throw it in my mother in laws face.

I simply MUST know what I am allowed to do and what I may not do.

And it is no good going with ones instincts or using common sense as your rudder.  There are rules and laws in Denmark and they are not always obvious.

For example, did you know that in Denmark, it is illegal to cheat your taxes?

Well, yes, I know that you didn’t know that, and to be honest, that is why I am bringing it up.

It is a well known fact that between 68% and 89.5% of all adult Danes cheat their taxes.  They do this by working for what is called ‘black money’ or trading goods in cash.  And they like to buy things that have fallen off the back of a lorry.

Don’t worry, the Danes won’t get caught, but you, as a dirty filthy stinking foreigner teaching your children bad manners and speaking in an unintelligible accent WILL get caught, because the authorities have an eye on you AND your Danish neighbours are highly likely to report you.

They will report you for:

• speaking in an offhand manner to your children or pets
• working for cash
• not working
• driving in a foreign car
• having foreigners over to visit
• not attending the ‘byfest’ (town party)
• being teetotal
• praying on a mat
• having a beard
• wearing a headscarf
• not cutting your hedge
• having trees in your garden
• not speaking Danish to your kids
• having curtains
• smoking hash

Just so you know.  But remember, all you have to do is what they do:  do all of the above, but HIDE it.  Danes are really into subterfuge.  Those oddly similar lounges with the black leather/white canvas sofas and the ‘minimalistic’ white walls?  That is because they can’t have anything in their lives for fear of it being obvious what they are up to.  If ye just stick with what everybody else does you can stay out of trouble,  and it you can’t do it you must PRETEND.

So where was I?

Oh yes. As an Idiot Foreigner, you must do a lot of things to secure your place here and at least try to avoid being reported.  The first thing you must do is INTEGRATE.  You all know what that means, but the question is, can you suck it up?

Only mental deficients can suck it up, but you may want to do the next best thing which is to PRETEND to at least be trying.  The people proclaiming themselves to be Danes and prancing about saying this is their ‘land’ are never going to accept your garbled accent anyway, but the least you can do – FOR YOUR OWN SAKE – is to act like you care, act like you are trying.

And of course life here is tough.  The prices are extreme, and the selection of goods on offer pathetic.

Sadly, I have it on first hand authority that a lot of internationals living in Denmark are actively cheating the system by finding unimaginative ways to get their goods smuggled over.  They don’t want to pay the taxes, they don’t want to buy from companies here who ship foreign goods over, they don’t want to have to pay what it actually costs to live in Denmark so they cheat.

Here are ways you can make Denmark bearable,  get all the stuff you miss from the place you really perhaps shouldn’t have left if you need to ship half of the ‘mart every month and cheat the system out of the cash you would be paying if you went through proper legal routes:

• have friends buy your goods in the U.S. and take them out of their wrappers, stamp on them a few times, repackage them and declare their value as $1 before sending them to you in Denmark with no cover note
• Many companies in the U.S are unhappy about the high taxes in Denmark and sick of getting goods returned to them and having to pay refunds when expats in DK balk at paying the high taxes to release packages.  Some refuse to ship to Denmark, but a small minority will quite happily lie about your goods and label them as less worth than they are,  an even smaller minority will pay half the tax for you.
• Have regular visitors.  Persuade them to bring few clothes so that they can pack their suitcases with the goods you shouldn’t really be able to afford (YOU ARE LIVING IN DENMARK AND THAT MEANS YOU CAN NO LONGER AFFORD BETTY CROCKER CAKE FROSTING!!!!!!),  and hope that customs don’t stop them.  Yes, folks, this is smuggling.
• Find yourself finding more reasons to visit your folks back home than you did when you lived on that continent, because at the back of your mind, you know, that if you had to live on what is basically on offer here in Denmark you would go out of your mind and need to leave. While visiting, make sure you stock up on all the things you can’t live without and go back to Denmark feeling you can get through the next five weeks, but only just.

I am sure there are more ways to cheat the system here, and live here, but not really ‘live’ here,  but I am so boring and unimaginative that I cannot think of anymore.

Not that I judge others for being as bent as a 7 dollar bill,  Denmark is a tough place to live and we all find ways of not really doing it 100%.

But like I said, this is where pretending to be integrated comes in.  Even if we are not integrated, we have to pretend to be integrated don’t we?  Even if we are not really integrated but just really really good at pretending we are and that anyone who isn’t able to pretend is a shmuck.

I think it is Hershey wrong for Hershey foreigners Hershey to come here Hershey and not integrate. This is Hershey Denmark and Hershey if they don't Hershey like it they should Hershey go Hershey home.

Danes love…to explain to foreigners all about what it means to be Danish. And they are experts, really.

You can watch this, and listen,  but try not to do one of the following things:

• scream and scream and scream and claw at your face.
• break a window and shout out onto the street for someone to come and help you.
• commit hari kiri
• throw all your crappy low quality sprog skole language books into a big pile and set fire to them
• hit your danish spouse over the head with a frying pan, tell him he can keep the kids and run run like the wind.
• drink a bottle of gin and go harangue your Danish neighbors letting out three years of pent up rage and frustration
• fall asleep.

All Danish people are able to talk at length about what Denmark means.

“Danes are this….Danes are that…” Says the self professed Dane “We are this…we are that…I can explain it to you…it’s like this in Denmark, it’s like that….”

“yeah what can i say? WE LOVE TO HAVE FUN xD
hvad kan jeg sige? VI ELSKER AT HAVE DET SJOVT xD”

Oh, and:  sorry to bring this up again, but while I am regurgitating this, do please pass the sick bag along the aisle.  The smugness and inaccuracy of the Danish women’s spoutings in this film are stratospheric.

And another thing:  this whole thing about the thing about putting babies outside to sleep.  Outside cafes even…

I was in a cafe today and I could see two babycarriages outside.  When the door opened I could hear at least one of the babies crying.  Again I found myself thinking of the smug self congratulatory reason the people who call themselves Danes give for leaving their very small babies outside:  they say it is because nobody is gonna snatch a baby in Denmark and everyone feels safe.

Are they missing the freaking point that when you leave a baby outside like that to sleep she will be waking to a world where her parents can and will put a sheet of glass and a bar full of strangers between themselves and their baby??

These people are freaking weird.

And I am PACKING.

HANDS UP WHO WANTS TO PROTEST IN DENMARK?

OOOoooo,  better not luvvie.

Not advisable in Denmark.

Seriously, don’t do it.

 

 

“You are born free and you will die free and the only limits are in your mind” Lars Løkke Rasmussen.