I am not posting, but you are still searching! Above are some search terms that brought people to this blog this week.  How glorious that the scribblings of a person trapped in the most boring place on Earth could somehow, someday be of some use to somebody.

xxxxxx
]]> http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/12/21/they-still-havent-found-what-they-were-looking-for/feed/ 0 babsindk http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/a-nice-day-for-denmark/ http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/09/15/a-nice-day-for-denmark/#comments Thu, 15 Sep 2011 22:56:15 +0000 BABSALICIOUS http://babsindk.wordpress.com/?p=2143 Continue reading →]]> Thank god those heinous right wingers have been driven out of town and Denmark gets a change of leadership for a while.  It won’t change a huge amount about the bedrock of Danish culture, but I sure as hell hope that it will curtail the more extremist Danes from having a pedestal from which to speak.

To my utter joy, and due to my previous life as a lipreader,  I saw that Denmark’s new Prime Minister,  Helle Because You’re Worth It Kinnock Smidt,  was speaking to her husband in Engrish all the way through the first dizzy moments in the public eye since her wicktory.

At last there is a chance that the foreigners in Denmark, the deeply mashed into the ground, and the stripped of all dignity have a chance again.  Not much of a chance, because, hey, it’s still Denmark folks,  but they at least have a chance.

I need to see footage of Pia I’ve Sucked A Lemon and Have Maggots in My pants K and her DFP ugly fugly henchmen…if anyone has the link send me a comment,  I neeeed to see that haggard old cows face melt even further into her crepey chest with bitterness.  Purely for the fascination of seeing her implode.

I have now moved to a Non European country (as in it’s not fucking Europe) and while I join with any Danes or Daned people residing in Denmark to celebrate the toppling of quite possibly the worst type of Dane (the right wing) I have to say,  nothing can really undo what Denmark’s already done to itself and the repercussions of that are probably going to take scores of years to even begin to undo.  The social democrats are probably going to have a whole heap of awful measure to control and restrict the people, but at least,  going back to what is nice for Denmark today….at least the foreigners stand some chance now.  After all, the Prime Minister speaks another language to her husband, and it AINT DANNISH!!

Not tempted to come back to Denmark though, and to be quite frank, I don’t understand how anybody could stay,  moving out was like going from day to night for me.  Life is wonderful where I am, warm and loving and friendly and diverse….but perhaps living in Denmark for so many decades is what makes life so bright and wonderful now I am out.

I still maintain that bringing children up to be Danish cultured can be neglect.  But only if you know what else is on offer for people in the world.  If Denmark is all you know, then it is the right thing to do.

Enjoy this nice evening,  and please please,  any pics of Pia KKK with defeat and rage written all over it would be dearly appreciated.

Except I won’t see them, because I don’t visit this site any more.  This is purely for the 1000+ visitors to my blog each week who come with google searched questions as diverse as:

“sagsbehandler shithead”

“will I be happy in Denmark?”

“who is BABSINDK”

“speglepoelse”

“how to say iloveyou in Dannish”

“Dannish Poeple Party”

“my danish husband wants me to move to Denmark”

“jobs in Denmark”

“Guide to Denmark”

Have a wery nice life.

xxxxx

But yes, like I say, my sources inform me through the marvel of ‘cut, stick and put in an email’ technology that the previously mentioned evangelists have wiped the mist from their rose tinted glasses and climbed down off their high horses to begin to write semi balanced posts about Denmark in among all the innocuous and sweet family bulletins, posts about tinned goods and the price of fish and the highly offensive and uneducated diatribes about immigration and refugees in Denmark (or for that matter, any where in the world,  so long as refugee means ‘brown person’).

So let’s just call it a Victory shall we? Our campaign to raise awareness has paid off and it is now a thing of the past that wholly biased and unbalanced pieces about life in Denmark are being fed to curious people who search for answers before moving here.

It’s all I wanted.  Not a mudslinging match, not the bitchybitchy personals, I just wanted the afore mentioned peoples to become LESS extreme just to give people who read their blogs a chance to see that Denmark isn’t sunshine and flowers and that it also includes flies (pigshit) and badmanners (institutionalisation).  Amongst other things.

It’s too much to expect compassionate and intelligent posts about the plight of the immigrant but I am the sort of person who is willing to accept a little babystep in the right direction as being a wery wery good sign.

I can now retire from Danish Expat Blog politics and hand over the reins to anyothersod who cares to wade into these murky waters filled with leeches and bastards. But understand, if the Expat Extremists Woiking for the Government start up again with their seriously misleading propaganda, I’ll wade back in with all guns blazing to sort out any hippos which we all know, despite the fearsome teeth of the tiger, are much more dangerous due to their heft and temper.

Comments are now closed on this blog, so sorry if you can’t make your voice heard, any comments will go straight to moderation and lie there gathering dust.  I refer you to the following expat-in-Denmark blogs:

ADVENTURES AND JAPES IN DENMARK    – a blog by a highly qualified scientist/teacher and activist.  Happy in Denmark with her lot without losing touch with the fates of those who have not been so fortunate as to land on their feet and be the right color, she blogs about what life is like in Denmark, what it is not like, and all in between.

THIS INDONESIAN    -  written by a long time resident of Denmark and Scandinavia,  hailing originally from Indonesia.  A journal full of observations about life in Denmark.

MY LIFE AS A FOREIGNER IN DENMARK   – Lindsay is a newcomer to Denmark and is here for a short term with view to experiencing the culture and having an enriching experience.  Her witty blog is like a glass of soda on a hot day.  Just don’t eat the lemon at the bottom because it’s all soggy.

ONLY IN DENMARK  – factual news site relating the news about Denmark

A TEXAN IN DENMARK  – entertaining blog about life in Denmark from a classic Texan point of view.  Mainly for family and friends of the author but occasionally veers off into highly political opinion posts about refugees,  immigrants and the power of positive thoughts.  A bit like Marmite, you’ll either love it or or hate it,  but one things for sure, you’ll keep coming back! (Until your friends stage an intervention and point out that the weather is lovely outside and wouldn’t your life be better spent doing something that makes you feel good?)

DON’T COME TO DENMARK – rumored to be a blog written by a vagrant who lives at the train station in Copenhagen and eats out of bins. The author of this blog leads us through his anger and disillusionments about life in Denmark in a way that no other expat blogger about life in Denmark has done to date.

So that’s it then.

Don’t mention it.  You are welcome.

xxx

Here is the link.

BORDER CONTROLS TAKE A TOLL ON TOURISM.

I am so glad Denmark is being brought down a peg or two. Not because I want to see people here suffer any more than they have to, but because the Denmark I know and love wasn’t hell bent on trying to prove itself to be something else to the rest of the world.  Certain money spinning offices within Denmark have been on a massive PA drive for the last five years and have been employing ‘insiders’ – a new breed of driven ‘Supa-expats’ to do the dirty propaganda work.  A very small number of ex-travel reps, salespeople and those who really can’t go back without a medal. Being here is not their original job and they tend to be spouses at a lose end in search of something to fill their lives up until there is no room to admit any mistakes..

The cheerleaders are being employed by the state to further the cause of Internationals in Denmark (not refugees of course, we’ll just sweep them under the carpet because they will never get it together to contribute to an International society in Denmark, I mean, what WOULD they bring to a pot luck dinner and a talk about Danish culture? Bomb soup? Muslim salad?  Female Genital Mutilation and Feta in a pitta? ). The government bit off more than they can chew there.  Because what they didn’t realise is that the aforementioned cheerleaders have hijacked the cause for their own personal need.  All that energy left over from spending time with their kids and having really demanding jobs…it’s morphing into a whole new movement. And the hype about Denmark is misleading.

And these supa-expat cheerleaders have a very strained air about them. They have a lot to prove. They get into moods and deny them.

If you have to ‘CHOOSE’ to be happy on a daily basis then there is something wrong and you shouldn’t go round telling other people how they should run their immigrant experience, when your own is so transparently full of holes.

You are no better than the non contributing Somalian Grandmother you so revile for never being about to join you on your expat merry go round.  You are no better than the bored and marginalised soon to be radicalised ‘invandrer’ kid who smokes hash day in day out.And yet, and yet…you act like you think you have the market cornered. That you are better.

Any human knows happiness and sadness, but I tell you this, one thing for sure, if we have to wake each day and  make a conscious CHOICE to CHOOSE to be happy in Denmark (or anywhere in fact) it is a sure sign we are not happy in our hearts.  And what’s wrong with a bit of sadness?  It tends to be bookended with happiness anyway, you moron. I don’t, as it happens, wake up each day and say “I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!” I wake up each day and say “I choose to take it as it comes and do my best but not to brush stuff under the carpet if it ails, and to stick up for those who can’t stick up for themselves.”  But that’s my way of life, and yeah, I guess I chose that, but at least I am not going around bandying the biggest load of crap on this planet that happiness in Denmark is dependent on whether you ‘choose’ to be happy.  Bollocks, serious bollocks that.

I tell you what, happiness comes to me like a little bird.  It flies in, it flies out, I don’t command it and put it in a cage.  The caged bird soon becomes listless.  It looks pretty, the feathers are still there, but it wants to fly it’s own way.  You got your happiness all stitched up like a bird with it’s wings clipped.  Woopedoop, you can say you got it.  And you deny the right of others here to SAY IT LIKE IT IS, and accuse people of being haters?  Good lord.  You look too old to be that young.

You can’t command happiness because it has a fluid quality.  I see bony grasping hand around happiness throat when you speak of your own peculiar brand of ‘choice happiness’.  Don’t you realise that because you spend so much time trying to convince people you are happy it seems like you are the opposite.  People who claim to be that ‘choosing to be happy’?  By all accounts moody sulky mofos in real life who appear to be trying to hard. Although, be my guest to try. And if you don’t admit that,  that happiness is not some kind of truth but some kind of blessing,  that you can merely choose it and anyone who doesn’t is somehow less, if you carry on claiming that Denmark is only as good or bad as YOUR self control and how freaking ‘postivietleriytooty’ one can appear to be, then you are…and here I say it: FOOLING YOURSELF AND OTHERS WHO CARE TO NOTICE YOU.

Gloves:  off.

And stop calling anyone who doesn’t agree with your ‘CHOOSE HAPPINESS’ militancy of being haters.  The overwhelming sentiment has always been concern.

But yes, let’s talk about choice.  I am going to bang you upside your cyber head with your own CHOOOSING  (I am against actual violence in any real terms).

Let’s talk about the choices you make.

YOU CHOOSE TO FEEL HATED.  When nobody hates.  They are challenging you yes,  but hate? I think that is coming from you. Flaming?  Go private.  I know I did.  And do.  What kind of an idjit posts regular posts about immigration in Denmark IN THIS DAY AND AGE and then winces and whines about the ensuing comments?

And Denmark is what it is.  And you are trying to make it something it’s not.  And it is pretty handy you got a job in that department because I’d hate to think of you being one of those ghastly broken foreigners who can’t ‘do lunch’.

AND…AND…AND

and.

there ain’t nuthin wrong with being sad sometime. and if you are a foreigner in Denmark, there is a LOT to be sad about right now, so STFU you silly, ignorant, arrogant behaving woman.

I am sick and tired of hearing from immigrants who come here and start spouting the lines normally only heard from the Tourist Board or the Government about Denmark being akin to some kind of joyride give or take the odd little hiccup understanding the language or shop opening times.  These people know nothing about the genuine hardship occurring in Denmark today, partly brought on by the current governmental administration, and supported by a closed and xenophobic culture that refuses to change in the light of global changes.

I work on the frontline in Denmark with people who suffer very greatly at the hands of Denmarks crazy system and increasingly closed culture and I would like to say here that this new breed of expats and immigrants appear to be dreadfully naive and in some cases too headstrong, ignorant and naive to beggar belief!

What are they ON?

Please keep blogging to counteract these misguided and imbalanced individuals because I know you get a hell of a lot of traffic on your site and because I know that this leads to about five to six email queries a week from people either in Denmark or thinking about Denmark who need support or clarification.  Many of whom have read all about the ‘Happiest place on Earth’ or seen Oprah’s misguided segment on life here or read blogs of evangelical and naive expats who have been here for less than five years, have no real understanding of Denmark’s modern history and are on some kind of ‘I must I must I must prove i did the right thing or die’ mission in order to save face and justify their relocation.

Please keep up the good work because not before the tourist board got an extra lump sum around Mary and Frederiks wedding has there been so much misleading waffle spouted about Denmark.

I even heard of this chick who was brain damaged and in a relationship with a Dane who did not care for her and refused to commit who was encouraged to come here time and time again when it was obviously not the right thing at all.  Vulnerable individuals are being zoned in on, lovebombed and then lured with false platitudes to get here just in order to swell numbers when what really should be said is that Denmark is only for the very thick skinned and even refugees should try and get to the UK or anywhere but here.  It is not advisable to be a foreigner in Denmark even if your husband does work for Siemens.  About the most anybody should embark on is a years study, and then, hell yes, that will be fun, but for the love of god, think very carefully before you commit or have a big farewell party with your family and burn bridges.  Lots of foreigners are still here precisely because they made a big deal out of coming here and they feel they are not allowed to just GO HOME.

Nobody is claiming Denmark is an out and out shit hole, but to put it forward as a viable option for families to station themselves in, or to claim that the draconian integration schemes are humanistic is an outrage. I am also finding the suggestion that it is the immigrants responsbility to fit in with the Danish way lest they offend the danes or rock the boat to be highly toxic.  The notion is disgusting when you consider the reasons why a lot of ‘immigrants’ are here and that in actual fact, Denmark needs to adjust a lot more to new cultures before the immigrants have a wide spread chance of adjusting to Denmark.

Lots of love

XXXXXXXX ( a DANE)

P.s: could it not be that one of the responsibilities of immigrants is to not be so fucking arrogant as to presume they know anything about Denmark or better than those who have been immigrants here for a lot longer?”

1. The beaches are simple and clean and look rather pretty in winter or summer.
2. One always feels so exotic and interesting and fast witted here.
3. You don’t have to lock your door if you live in a rural area because the small chance of being robbed makes it worth it.
4. The shops are not open during the times when people who work are around in essence it means you save a  lot of money because you can’t buy anything.
5. The buses run on time.
6. It’s the home of LEGO so that’s kind of neat.
7. There are no poisonous animals.
8. Ditto earth quakes (I must admit I am getting help from a 10 year old with this).
9. There are no nuclear reactors here ( I am resisting the urge to point out that Sweden put theirs as close to Denmark as possible).
10. The summers here are picture book chocolate box perfect in terms of the colours.
11. If you drink it can be very cheap to stay sloshed and nobody will judge you (okay, I’m going off at a tangent, I don’t think this is good).
12. The cakes.  The cakes and bread.
13. It’s okay to be fat here, as is the norm.  Even the teenage girls (so skinny in London for example) have pot jelly bellies.
14. If you like cafe culture and have a lot of money and don’t mind overhearing the same conversations, it’s a great place to hang out if you like that sort of thing.
15. You can tell people you’ve lived in the birth place of Hans Christian Anderson.
16. Denmark is a great education.  If this is the happiest place on earth then please don’t show me the saddest.
17. Children are all in daycare from six months so that frees up a lot of time. I guess.
18. Danes are sweet and innocent.
19. If you are from the USA you can live here and say you’ve lived in Europe, which it really is.  Denmark is the poster child of Europe, and that is going to be a great story to tell the grandchildren.
20. It doesn’t get too hot.
21. There is lots of snow and snow can be fun.
22. People like to do cozy and snuggle on the sofa.
23. If you don’t want to be married to someone you can just divorce then and carry on with the rest of your life (warning: this only applies to dane on dane marriages and not to mixed culture marriages here).
24. You can leave your kids unattended and you won’t get done for it.  Even really small babies.
25. It’s really small so you don’t have to spend hours in the car to get anywhere.
26. There’s a lot of ecological foodstuff to choose from in the supermarkets.
27. Free gift wrapping service
28. Free samples at the beauty counter and during food promotions.
29. There is always a party to go to.
30. If you like fish you can really pig out.
31. If you like going topless on the beach nobody will arrest you.
32. Cycling.
33. Stuff is left outside supermarkets at night and it hardly gets stolen, which gives one a sense of living somewhere where people don’t need to steal.
34. New Years Eve is done like they do it in films.
35. Free Speech, anybody can say what they like without fear of reprisal.
36. Equality, everybody is equal here and the handicapped get gold plated wheelchairs.
37. Free schools … schools are free here.  You do not have to pay a single kroner for children for the schooling they get from 8am until 4.30 pm.
38. The Penal system.  Sentences are really lenient here,   and one can do murder and only get three years or even nothing (if it is a family member and they goad you).
39. Babies.  Babies are left unattended in carts outside all the drinking establishments.  It is so safe here nobody cares.
40. Safety.  Denmark is so safe that there are no crimes.  Nobody gets burgled,  nobody gets raped and above all nobody gets their car stolen.
41. Happiest Place on Earth, apart from North Korea of course.  Denmark is the happiest place on Earth, everybody is so happy and you can see it in their happy smiling faces.
42. Low suicide rate.  Because Denmark is so happy the suicide rate is so low.  Last year there were only 7 suicides in the whole of Denmark and three of those were mercy suicides so do not count.
43. International community.  The international community in Denmark is thriving.  There are more people moving to Denmark than leaving and the buzz is spreading all over the world that Denmark is the place to be.
44. The educational system here is second to none.
45. Multi culturalism and tolerance.  Denmark has embraced its immigrants and all schools teach understanding and rejoicing in differences.
46. Human Rights.  Denmark has a spotless record when it comes to human rights, and has twice recieved the Worlds Best Treater of Humans award from Sting.
47. Vikings.  Vikings come from Denmark.

Waivers:

a) I don’t want to talk about it.

b)I am not uploading this so that the foreigners in DK who do not belong on any “concession chart” can mail an unsigned elucidation that announces something in the neighborhood of: “Look Honky,  I warned you that by virtue of your North American citizenship you are clueless about what it is like to be a bona fide migrant!!!!”

c) I am not uploading this to dispense pabulum for those web logs that never cease to utilize me and what they ascribe to as my way of looking at Denmark to be more negative than it actually is as the destination for their umbrage;

d) I am not uploading this to announce that I am in ANY sort OF way IN support of A SINGLE word THAT is ISSUED from THE voiceparts OF soren PIND…

etc.

Coming soon:  Am I a Danewife? QUIZ.

]]> http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/05/30/only-people-like-me-should-have-status-in-denmark/feed/ 4 babsindk expat bag http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/marmite-gate-continues-denmark-is-laughing-stock/ http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/marmite-gate-continues-denmark-is-laughing-stock/#comments Thu, 26 May 2011 08:53:12 +0000 BABSALICIOUS http://babsindk.wordpress.com/?p=2106 Continue reading →]]>

This week amid scenes of chaos and civic upheaval shops began the painstaking process of removing every single jar of Marmite from Danish shelves.  In a bizarre move yesterday the Danish Government issued a statement that began with a patronising little titter and went on to say:  “This is wery funny.  You foreigners are so attached to your foods.  It’s not that important.  Vi kan do vat vi vant.  Vi are ze Dannish government, and vi do vat vi vant.”

Angry internationals and immigrants alike raged through the night and went with many unanswered questions.  At 4 am this morning the Queen of Denmark Camilla Yellowteeth was forced to make an emergency broadcast as people took to the streets, overturning cars and calling for someones resignation or at least a cheap flight out of Denmark.

“Listen.”  QueenYellowteeth was heard to state “LISTEN UP!  Marmite has not been banned in Denmark. It’s merely been removed from the shelves of shops due to it’s illegal nature.”

A woman whose husband works for Siemens asked:  “But hold on a minute, you batty old cow,  are you saying that we can buy Marmite in Denmark?”

Yellowteeth:  “No.  You may not.”

A woman whose husband works for Vestas then chipped in: “But is it legal or isn’t it?”

Yellowteeth:  “It is illegal, and always has been.  The makers never applied for a permit.  That’s why we took it off the shelves.  We had many reports from ethnic Danes that people were eating a foreign substance called Marmite and that it was suspected as not have been gone through the proper Danish channels and also suspected of not being Liverpostej, which is what normal people put on their bread.”

A man who came here from Swindon to go to University because he heard that Gays were welcome in Tolerant Denmark piped up:  “So you are saying that Marmite has not been banned, it has merely been removed from the shelves pending an application from the makers for it to be sold in Denmark?”

Queen Margerita Yellowteeth:  “Yes, that’s essactly what I am saying.  The International press have greatly overblown this.”

A woman who left her family to come and live with her Danish boyfriend here said:  “But if Marmite apply for a licence, are they going to be allowed to get one?”

Queen Yellowteeth:  “No.  Although, because Denmark will want to backtrack in an effort to imagine they still have some international standing insteading of being the Most Ridiculous Place on Earth, it might let Marmite through.”

Media far and wide reported the Marmite-gate with the gloves off.

“What obviously started as the bright idea of a misguided Danish official has now made Denmark an international laughing stock, no doubt creating a headache for their foreign affairs diplomats.”  said one.

In fact the whole world is once again:  “incredulous at Denmark’s bizarre decision”.

What we relish, here chez Babs is that people on the ‘outside’ are now saying “WTF DENMARK????” and not since COP15 has Denmarks bizarre way of going about things been so in the press.

It’s universally known now.  Denmark is not a place to raise your international family,  Denmark is a place for Danes.  And what Danes are is a post I really don’t think I have the time or energy to write,  but what I will say is this:  you don’t have to be born ‘ethnically Danish’ to be a Dane and becoming a Dane can happen at any time in your life.  Some people are immune to contracting Danishness, others are predisposed to it.  The highest risk of Danishness is in Copenhagen.  So if you are coming here and want to avoid contracting it,  stay in Jutland.

Lots of love, bye bye for now,  Have fun.

“Dear XXX-XXXX,

Denmark removing Marmite from it’s shelves is the last straw for me.  I am leaving this godforsaken place of idiots and nothingness.  I just wanted you to know I am leaving, and that I am not the only one. I know of two other families who are leaving who cite Søren Pind’s horribleness, the culture at large and the Marmite thing as the last straw.  Good bye Denmark! You cucking waste of space!  Goodbye!

Oh and by the way, you still owe me that 400 kroner, which I knew you had no intention of paying me back.  Let’s just call it quits and say I take it as payment for that fantastic b*** j** you gave me in the toilets at Noma.  My lord,  all those years in the convent didn’t seem to hold you back did they?

Lots of love

PXXXX YXXXX”

To which I can only say, PXXXX,  you are welcome, but I think you are mistaken about who you went into the toilets with, but I’ll take the debt as canceled anyway.

Oh Denmark, you sad little place, going nowhere, doing nothing but nothing.

I don’t know if you will get this because you have not replied to the previous letter I wrote.But anyway I will send it.I am a Danish man married to a foreigner.We are just about to leave Denmark and never come back.You can add our names to the statistics of people leaving and never coming back.The moment we finally decided to leave Denmark and never come back was after many years of trying to make things hang together here and failing.In my wife’s country she had a good job but because her qualiications were not recognized in Denmark,for some reason we can not understand,she had to do some really shit jobs just so we could pay the mortgage on our house.Many times the bank threatened us to repossess the house and my job alone would not be enough and has not been enough.We are now selling our house at a much lower price than it is worth just to get out as quick as we can.We are returning to my wifes country where she has the possibility to get work in her own profession and where the people are wonderful.

I am not going to bring out the old “I am ashamed to be Danish” line because I know you have heard that many times and that it isn’t an excuse as far as you are concerned.What I will say is that I am a Danish man married to a foreigner and I am glad to be turning my back on Denmark.The last several years have been demoralizing and I have looked at “my” country with new eyes partly through experiencing the troubles my foreigner wive has gone through and partly through travelling in and out of Danmark.

The worst part of going on holiday from Denmark has to be the coming back.We just went on holiday out of Denmark for a short break over Easter and the people we met out of Denmark were so alive and friendly and intelligent the contrast with the people we met in the boarding lounge before our flight back to Copenhagen was horrific.

We could tell who was Danish and who was not.We sat in the lounge almost in tears and turned to each other knowing that this was the end,we just cannot do it any more.So goodbye Denmark.To my fellow Danes:youare so arrogant and smug and unfriendly and not able to see who you really are.I could say much much more but I am tired and we just want to get out.

Goodbye Denmark.

Anon”

or “How can you tell if someone IS Danish?”

The easiest way to see what Dannish look like is if they have light hair. Or if they are not ‘of another ethnic background than Danish”.

Usually,  if you are looking at two people in Denmark and one is ‘of another ethnic background than Danish ( perhaps with a monobrow or carrying a rolled up carpet under his arm or with a big bushy black beard and angry face)  and the other has light hair:  the one with light hair will almost certainly be Dannish.

So. If you are wondering, a Danish looks like a light haired person, and anything ‘darker’ than that looks like they are not Danish.  In the long run, this makes the fight against crime a lot easier for everybody.

Here is your cut out ‘n’ keep guide to recognizing what is looking Danish and what is not looking Danish…

Not of Danish Appearance

Left: Not of Danish Appearance. Right: Of Danish Appearance.

OF Danish appearance.

Liberated, but still NOT DANISH.

Obviously Danish (light hair)

If in doubt: dark hair: not danish.

so not danish

do you need to ask?

Obviously Dannish.

KUNST KUNST KUNST

And there surely is a difference.

kunst kunst kunst kunstkunst KUNST

‘Kunst’ is the Danish word that Danish people like to use for the word ‘art’.

But Kunst is not art.  Kunst is a disease.

KunST KUNSTKUNSTKUNSTKUNST KUNST kunst kunst kunst KUNSTKUNST KUNST

In every Dannish house, in every Dannish apartment,  in every Dannish doctor’s waiting room,  in every Dannish office, in every Dannish summer house, in every Dannish place of work or abode or business you will find an example of KUNST.

KUNST i say KUNST!

It hangs on the wall in a square and is layers of paint applied willy nilly.  Whether we are supposed to look at these squares of horror or look away in politeness I do not know, but what I do know is that they are everywhere and spreading.

this is kunst.

Most often given as gifts by some spiteful ignoramus who wants to spread the disease of Dannish kunst, you will find the idiot squares of paint given at weddings or to mark the passing of years of employment or to finalize a retirement.   Danes use kunst to fill the blank empty chasms in their lives, otherwise known as their bare white walls.  Some Danes may object to this post and claim that the squares of paint they hang on their wall are of a superior nature.  But it isn’t true.

also kunst

It is very sad, but nothing can be done.  This is an epidemic of epidemic proportions.

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you have contracted KUNST.

I don’t know what the etiquette is when it comes to commenting on these squares,  but I would advise any international who has come into contact with actual art, instead of spending a lifetime saturated by walls in all places covered in kunst,  just to walk.on.by. What can you say?

YOU:  “Oh, that’s an interesting um..PIECE.”  (piece of XXXX more like, and why are you hanging THAT in your kitchen?)

DANNISH:  *bemused glance* “Oh ah,  nå!  Yah!  It is KUNST.”

There was nothing we could do, it was acute kunst.

The so called ‘Gallerier’ peppering the malls and rural roads in Denmark – these are places that churn out examples of kunst by the thousand and should be razed to the ground  – in my opinion,  although please, don’t take that as a call to arms.

Rampant KUNST.

But anyway, Danish People Like KUNST.

We call it KUNST, because that is what it is.

Here is your own cut out and keep version of Danish celebrity people The Danish go to bed proudly smug over amongst many others, because Denmark, despite being tiny, is the best place in the world and invented celebrity:

IBEN HJELE,  KNOWN FOR HER APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

IBEN HJELE

VIGGO MORTENSEN-KNOWN FOR HIS APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

PRINCESS MARY DONALDSON-KNOWN FOR HER RAGS TO RICHES STORY AND HER UNDYING AND ETERNAL LOVE NEVER WAINING FOR HER HUSBOND.

DENMARK, I, MARY, REMAIN YOUR EVER FAITHFUL HUMBLE SERVANT. THANKS FOR THE HANDBAGS.

BRRIGGITTTE NIELSEN-KNOWN.

BRIGITTE NIELSEN.

AND THE OLSEN BROTHERS-BEING THE BIGGEST EVER DANNISH ROCK STARS TO MAKE IT GLOBALLY.

THE OLSEN BROTHERS, WINNERSOF EUROVISION 1989. HOOOWAH!

But these are the A-list, first rate Danish Celebrities, and I would surely listen if you wanted to brag about living next door to or standing in line with any of the above.

What is not endearing is the Danish habit of names dropping the D-listers which they do a lot of.  And fall over themselves backwards to shmoooze with what to any reasonable person looks like someone who can barely carry a tune, is monotone and plain boring in delivery or has spent their short 15 minutes of fame appearing on a gardening show only shown in Denmark.

I’m sorry, but I have met some of these d-listers and there is absolutely nothing to brag about.

The Danish love their festivals. They are an excuse to drink, eat and be merry and this is what Denmark is liking a lot.  It doesn’t matter that the refugee children are put in a camp next to army base, let’s get on with planning the perfect Danish Christmas or JUL as it is called. It is never too early.

Don’t believe me?  Then let’s watch shall we?  Danes become very listless in September and are literally chomping at the bit to get started on JUL.  JUL is the time when you can literally go stark raving mad and start seeing gnomes or ‘nisser’ everywhere.

People who are well integrated into the Danish system will begin a little surreptitious JUL themed napkin buying round about the end of September or the beginning of October.  It starts off quietly enough.

But then…

The alcohol intake by the beginning of November (the official start to JUL) is almost doubled.  Most of The Danish Extremists give their children gifts every Sunday leading up to JUL day (which is actually early, begin Christmas Eve, the night before Christmas Day, but then by that point, The Danish Extremists just can’t wait any longer).  Moderate Danes just give their children a gift every day in December, leading up to that mad present opening on the night of JUL. It’s an all out mad three month long party.

You have to keep an eye out for the increased amounts of exercise The Danish take during the lead up to JUL, and it isn’t uncommon to have to swerve in the early dark nights to avoid whole troops of jogging idiots. No, you haven’t gone mad, you are now living in Denmark.  Get a fucking tattoo and get over it.

You haven’t seen many joggers about right now, because it isn’t the season for it.  In Denmark everything has a season, but listen, it’s all about when the seasonal beer comes out, you don’t know yet, but you will soon.

Coming soon:  Danish People like:  AMERICA.  (But stay at home to be near mummy).

N.B:  It’s been remarked that I appear to be repeating myself on this ole blog, but it has to be said, hey!  This is Denmark, there isn’t a fat lot of new material going round is there?  Fuck this shit, I’m off to buy some JUL styled throw cushions.  They have pictures of TUBORG beers on them.

Surely the only other people who like Tour De France are people in traction with little other choice than to stare at what is on the TV anchored to the wall opposite them?  Or perhaps those people in traction are only watching Tour De France because the DANISH guy in the next bed wants to watch it.

Above is a link to a DR1 article about how a large proportion of the youngest children being brought up in the Danish System are going to be attending their daycare facilities the whole summer through. Meaning they don’t get any ‘summer holiday’.

One particular daycare facility states that about a quarter of the kids on their books are not taking any break from daycare, which pretty much means these kids are institutionalized every day of the year give or take.

This comes as no surprise to me, but I am tickled that this is a newsworthy item.  Speaking to insiders over the years, being an insider myself from time to time,  tales of parents who leave their kids in daycare over the summer or who don’t pick their kids up till the last minute are plentiful.

But that is because,quite apart from wiping your kids bums and brushing sand off their little toes, people who work for Daycare centers have one other purpose in life and that is to judge you, as a parent, relentlessly.  Trust me, those daycare workers!  Phew!  Do they like to gossip and bitch about the parents!  It’s what we do.

Even if we are smiling at you and telling you everything is great, you will still be the main topic of conversation when your back is turned.  What else do we have to talk about? We are constantly evaluating you as a parent, as a Dane and as a man/woman.

You may seem like a ‘good parent’ and an ‘integrated Dane’ but we are constantly on the look out for any indication that that might not be the case.  It’s our job. There is always huge speculation about what goes on ‘at home’.

But as daycare workers we don’t need to talk to you about homelife as we can pick up on a lot of what goes at home, and you will never hear about it.  It is typical to build a profile of a child’s parent over time and to store it in some daycare memory corner to use at some later date if necessary.

It could be your kid’s hair: we judge you on the length of your kid’s hair – is too long, or too short? If you haven’t brushed it for two mornings running we will notice how much time you spend on your own appearance:  lots of very high maintenance mums bring their kids to daycare in a right state, because they know they don’t have to be seen with them and because they want to use the time to look good themselves. If  your kid’s hair is always brushed and neat we might ask:  what are you hiding?

You can’t really win, and the most you can hope for is that you feel your kids are alright in daycare, but we are also great at reassurance.  We need about two thirds of the parents to feel a deep affection for our daycare institution, we choose our battles.

Does your child cry when he falls over?  Then in the future we might be able to recall that and say he is oversensitive.  If he doesn’t cry when he falls over then you are obviously not bonding with him. Are you buying your child lots of toys?  You are overcompensating.  Not enough toys?  You are not aware of your child’s needs.

We notice if you have a lot of make up on,we notice if you have forgotten your deodorant.  We might not talk about everything among ourselves but you can guarantee,  if it ever gets to the point where we talk to you,the parent, about something, this is because we’ve had long discussions about the matter before hand.  Positive or negative, our observations as day care workers are taken very seriously if we decide to voice them.  And there is a good deal of mumbling amongst ourselves.

We expect you to listen to us, and respect us, since we know more about what is right for your child than you do.

But sometimes it’s difficult, sometimes we can’t find anything to gossip about so we have to scrape the barrel.  In this case we are going to give parents a hard time for not taking their kids out of daycare for the summer.  But you know,  in August we will be bleating about how many parents have not brought their kids back to daycare after the summer holiday.  Or that some parents don’t bring their kids into daycare early in the morning, and think they can just sail in any time.

Whatever you do, understand this:  You’ve chosen to give your child to us to take care of for the greatest bulk of their early life and you had better tick all our boxes or we will turn on you and tell you what an awful parent you are and what your kid needs and how you are obviously failing.

Personally, I think it is pretty sad that kids are in the middle of this tug of war between parents and daycare workers.

I wouldn’t leave my kids in a Danish daycare institution full time with no breaks unless I really had no other choice and no other support…I think it’s a sign of having no resources mentally if a parent does this.  In this case I prefer to be on the side of the Danish systematized parent rather than the daycare workers speaking out about the quarter of their parents who have not booked their kids out of daycare for the summer.

LOL, Danes, such a bunch of extremists.

However,  every now and then I come across a piece of evidence and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that:  I am RIGHT,  I am right!

Or maybe I am not, but either way I have PROOF.

First bit of proof:  we can talk all around the houses about the (over)usage of the so called Denish Flag, the garish red background with a bold white cross emblazoned apon it that is held so sacred it may not brush the ground or else ten fully educated pædagogs mysteriously drop down dead (if you let the Danish flag brush the ground AND you pass a wet fart through it twenty viceværts get a goiter and their childrens children are born boss eyed and bandy legged),  we can all talk and talk about the way this flag is used and used again, and then some smug little shrimp can write in and go blahblahblah it’s hardly overuse and anyway look at how every other country uses THEIR flag, but let’s be frank:  the Danes have no sane reason for their dedication to their flag and the rituals of the flag.

Last week I was met with real proof and I can now close the case and no longer even give half an ear to those blasted ‘dialogers’.

I was driving along the flag festooned street of some small Dannish town, humming happily at the top of my voice to some rousing ballalaika musak, when I came to a set of traffic lights.  Were they red?  Where they green?  What freaking colour were they?  I DON’T KNOW, some Danskisk extremist had placed a flag pole directly in front of the light, the fabric was flapping in FRONT of the light.

Now, in any place with a semblance of a pulse,  someone somewhere would have rang the council, the people I judge to be responsible for the putting up of these communal flags lining the streets of Denmark whenever there is so much of a hint of a beer related holy day or public holiday,  and pointed out that there is a fugging flag obstructing a traffic light.

What would be the point of reporting such maddansk flaggery?  I can’t be the first person to have noticed the traffic lights are obstructed by a fabric square of nationalism. Perhaps people have complained, I can’t believe it hasn’t been pointed out.  Maybe it went something like this:

Member of public:  “I am concerned. There is a flag in front of the traffic lights, I cannot see the lights changing.”

Worker at the kommune:  “Is it a Danish flag?”

Member of the public:  “Yes, it is a Danish flag.”

Worker at the kommune:  “This is what we have always done, and we always will.  We must keep the Danish flag where it always has been.  If we move this flag because you want to see the traffic lights then who knows where this will lead.”

I know the above was a bit weak but I can’t come up with anything better.  The flag was in front of the freaking traffic light. I don’t really know what else to say.  It wasn’t the first time that flag was put there,  some dandidiot is putting it there over and over again.  Dandidiots are driving past a traffic light wrapped in a dannish flag (when the wind is in a certain direction) and saying nuthin, time after time after time.

There you go:  PROOF.  About what I am sure you can figure it out yourself.  It’s like an inkblot test,  you have the image now you tell me what it means to you.  Traffic light with a dannish flag wrapped round it so you can’t see whether it is safe to drive on or not.

More proof for you today.  Yesterday I had cause to travel out of my comfort zone.  I was hostess at a meeting and spent four hours speaking almost non stop in Dannish.  This was for two reasons: firstly, these were native Dannish speakers with zero grasp of Engrish and I am certainly not going to speak German even if I do know all the words and arm movements to ” target=”_blank”>’99 red balloons’. and secondly,  I needed to say the same thing once to a lot of people and not go around having little private conversations in different languages: e.g:  “Ninety nine red balloons…”  or “99 luftballons” or “rød grøde med fløde” or whatever it would have taken to get everybody on the same page.

So I had to speak UP, and I had to speak OUT and I had to speak CONSTANTLY and I had to speak in DANNISH for quite some time.

Now, here’s the proof.  This morning when I woke up I happened to notice that I was having a good face day.  A good face day is the day when the eyes twinkle like Bambi’s, the brow is smooth and unlined, the lips plump and well shaped and the nose in proportion to the rest of it.  The cheeks are plump and dewy fresh with the faint blush of rosepetals at sunrise.  All in all, quite nice to have sitting on the top of ones (swanlike) neck. “I have been blessed.” I thought smilingly to myself on my way out, misting myself with some jasmine perfume.  I was looking the way I liked and liking the way I looked.

Hours and hours of dannish later and catching a glimpse of myself in the looking glass I had to do a double take.  WTF??? Had my mouth disapeared?

Two pale taupe skinny little strips meanly marked the place where two plump lips had once hovered full of summer bloom!  Where was my mouth?  Worst of all,  above the upper lip were a concertina of vertical SMOKERS lines!  I DON’T smoke. I don’t do vertical lines on my upper lip.

That first glance was incredibly shaking,  and I leaned in to check what i was sure I saw..

My brow was deeply lined, and the whole expression of my face had changed.  The look was leathery and not dewy.  Used, not well loved.  Craggy and beat up.

I looked like I had been cycling uphill in the snow.  I looked like I had been squinting at my handball coach.  I looked like I was just on my way to the Solarium even though I had only just been. Like I was thumbing idly through an advertising supplement while waiting in line to pick up my contraceptive pills. Like I was going to leave work early on Friday and was looking forward to buying some more lumber.

My facial expression had undergone such an extreme change I was shocked. I had no idea this was possible.  Maybe now I understand that thing about why dogs end up looking so much like their owners.

I looked like I had spent the last ten years working in a børnehaven and being forcibly cheerful and coercive. I looked like I had attended too many JULFROKOST to count.  The sallow cast of my skin suggested I had been smoking and cackling throatily with my workmates and then gone back on the ward to change a dressing with my yellowed fingers.  I looked like I was on my way to my parents summer house and was wondering whether I should buy fresh RUNDSTYKKER or frozen.  I looked like I ate a lot of cheap meat washed down with cheap metallic wine and that I had KUNST hanging in my lounge above my L shaped sofa. I looked like I had been saying “RUGBRØD!” over and over and over again, only to take the occasional break to say “HAVREGRYN!” or “JUL!”.

In short, for some reason, my incredibly elastic face had taken on the combined impression of the group I had been speaking with and most impressively my mouth had wheedled on down to a nubbin and I could get work as a Paprika Steen stunt double.

The effects of ‘Too Much Danshka!’ (Trademark and copywrite) are wearing off slowly, but I must be sure as to avoid making the same mistake again.  The mistake being to submerge myself in a culture that gives me a mean mouth and deep facial crevices and a banal train of thought.

It’s time I was honest, I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t speak  ‘Too Much Danshka’.  There is a difference between doing something because it makes life easier for those around you in the short term, or doing something because it is best for you in the short term and in the long term.

Danes are now taught from an early age, that one of the biggest threat to Danshkism is the people who come here who refuse to be Danish, I would say, it’s your only fugging hope.

Joking aside, it has to be said, if I put myself in a situation where I have to speak any more Danish than to comment briefly on the weather, to order, yes, darnit, a bag of RUNDSTYKKER or to help an old lady across the road then I am doing some serious damage to myself.

Maybe I go too far, maybe I don’t go far enough, either way, the whole ‘integration’ scheme sucks. Including becoming fully fluent in Danish and speaking it as your default language.  *sound of screaming at the very thought of such torture*

Here’s a little rule of thumb, if some jackass comes up to you talking about the merits of ‘integration’ in denmark, they are a jackass.  Integration doesn’t really exist.  There are some people who go along with the way things are done here in Modern Day Dennimark give or take the odd little flutter (integrated) and those who don’t go along with the way things are done here in Modern Day Dennimark give or take the odd little  flutter(non integrated).

I usually like to give the impression of being more than half way on the way to being fully integrated and I play on the ‘humble aspiring immigrant’ line as heavily as I can get away with, but today I think I overdid it and went too far.

http://politiken.dk/fotografier/soundslides/article1004164.ece

O my god, is it really one whole year since I last wrote about STUDENTERHUE?

(BABSPOST:  “Try not to laugh:  ‘STUDENTERHUE’  aka silly hats’)

Ah.  No, less than a year.  Phew, just as long as I am not repeating myself year in year out in a same crap different year type of way.

THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

]]> http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/twelve-years-of-repression-plus-hats/feed/ 0 babsindk silly hat http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/letter-of-the-week-jens-s%c3%b8rensen/ http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/letter-of-the-week-jens-s%c3%b8rensen/#comments Fri, 25 Jun 2010 07:33:59 +0000 BABSALICIOUS http://babsindk.wordpress.com/?p=1212 Continue reading →]]> You can read it in the comments section here:

http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/the-ludicrous-danish-education-system/#comment-1397

At first I thought it was a ‘fan’ getting into the spirit of mocking and jesting, yet the full horror is I suspect this is a bona fide comment, that Jens really feels this, really thinks this.  I think I speak for about 80% of the culture shocked foreigners in Denmark when I say, this letter is indicative of what we are up against.  Here Jens presents the weary old testament:

“You people are so ignorant that I cannot stomach it. I grew up in Danish schools, went through everything the public schools have to offer and none of that nonsense that you are spewing out has ever crossed me. I don’t know what your opinions are based on but they are sure biased and they sure don’t reflect reality. You have got to use sources that are not just in your mind and you have got to use full sources, but explain one cartoon out of context. Holy cow man, this is pathetic. If you hate it leave it a lone. Denmark is ranked as the happiest country in the world several times over. Every Danish exchange student I have met in the states flies through school with straight A’s. Most of them with a more highly developed English vocabulary than their classmates.”

Do THE DANISH really go around with this point of view?  Are our worst fears well founded?  Have we been ‘right’ all along?

No Comment.  But of course,  you are welcome to add your own.