This week amid scenes of chaos and civic upheaval shops began the painstaking process of removing every single jar of Marmite from Danish shelves. In a bizarre move yesterday the Danish Government issued a statement that began with a patronising little titter and went on to say: “This is wery funny. You foreigners are so attached to your foods. It’s not that important. Vi kan do vat vi vant. Vi are ze Dannish government, and vi do vat vi vant.”
Angry internationals and immigrants alike raged through the night and went with many unanswered questions. At 4 am this morning the Queen of Denmark Camilla Yellowteeth was forced to make an emergency broadcast as people took to the streets, overturning cars and calling for someones resignation or at least a cheap flight out of Denmark.
“Listen.” QueenYellowteeth was heard to state “LISTEN UP! Marmite has not been banned in Denmark. It’s merely been removed from the shelves of shops due to it’s illegal nature.”
A woman whose husband works for Siemens asked: “But hold on a minute, you batty old cow, are you saying that we can buy Marmite in Denmark?”
Yellowteeth: “No. You may not.”
A woman whose husband works for Vestas then chipped in: “But is it legal or isn’t it?”
Yellowteeth: “It is illegal, and always has been. The makers never applied for a permit. That’s why we took it off the shelves. We had many reports from ethnic Danes that people were eating a foreign substance called Marmite and that it was suspected as not have been gone through the proper Danish channels and also suspected of not being Liverpostej, which is what normal people put on their bread.”
A man who came here from Swindon to go to University because he heard that Gays were welcome in Tolerant Denmark piped up: “So you are saying that Marmite has not been banned, it has merely been removed from the shelves pending an application from the makers for it to be sold in Denmark?”
Queen Margerita Yellowteeth: “Yes, that’s essactly what I am saying. The International press have greatly overblown this.”
A woman who left her family to come and live with her Danish boyfriend here said: “But if Marmite apply for a licence, are they going to be allowed to get one?”
Queen Yellowteeth: “No. Although, because Denmark will want to backtrack in an effort to imagine they still have some international standing insteading of being the Most Ridiculous Place on Earth, it might let Marmite through.”
Media far and wide reported the Marmite-gate with the gloves off.
“What obviously started as the bright idea of a misguided Danish official has now made Denmark an international laughing stock, no doubt creating a headache for their foreign affairs diplomats.” said one.
In fact the whole world is once again: “incredulous at Denmark’s bizarre decision”.
What we relish, here chez Babs is that people on the ‘outside’ are now saying “WTF DENMARK????” and not since COP15 has Denmarks bizarre way of going about things been so in the press.
It’s universally known now. Denmark is not a place to raise your international family, Denmark is a place for Danes. And what Danes are is a post I really don’t think I have the time or energy to write, but what I will say is this: you don’t have to be born ‘ethnically Danish’ to be a Dane and becoming a Dane can happen at any time in your life. Some people are immune to contracting Danishness, others are predisposed to it. The highest risk of Danishness is in Copenhagen. So if you are coming here and want to avoid contracting it, stay in Jutland.
Lots of love, bye bye for now, Have fun.
