What does Danish look like?

Many people ask me:  “What do The Danish look like?”

or “How can you tell if someone IS Danish?”

The easiest way to see what Dannish look like is if they have light hair. Or if they are not ‘of another ethnic background than Danish”.

Usually,  if you are looking at two people in Denmark and one is ‘of another ethnic background than Danish ( perhaps with a monobrow or carrying a rolled up carpet under his arm or with a big bushy black beard and angry face)  and the other has light hair:  the one with light hair will almost certainly be Dannish.

So. If you are wondering, a Danish looks like a light haired person, and anything ‘darker’ than that looks like they are not Danish.  In the long run, this makes the fight against crime a lot easier for everybody.

Here is your cut out ‘n’ keep guide to recognizing what is looking Danish and what is not looking Danish…

Not of Danish Appearance

Left: Not of Danish Appearance. Right: Of Danish Appearance.

OF Danish appearance.

Liberated, but still NOT DANISH.

Obviously Danish (light hair)

If in doubt: dark hair: not danish.

so not danish

do you need to ask?

Obviously Dannish.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#4: ‘KUNST’ aka ‘art’.

A very good friend of mine pointed out lately that there is art, and then there is ‘kunst’.

KUNST KUNST KUNST

And there surely is a difference.

kunst kunst kunst kunstkunst KUNST

 

‘Kunst’ is the Danish word that Danish people like to use for the word ‘art’.

But Kunst is not art.  Kunst is a disease.

KunST KUNSTKUNSTKUNSTKUNST KUNST kunst kunst kunst KUNSTKUNST KUNST

 

In every Dannish house, in every Dannish apartment,  in every Dannish doctor’s waiting room,  in every Dannish office, in every Dannish summer house, in every Dannish place of work or abode or business you will find an example of KUNST.

KUNST i say KUNST!

It hangs on the wall in a square and is layers of paint applied willy nilly.  Whether we are supposed to look at these squares of horror or look away in politeness I do not know, but what I do know is that they are everywhere and spreading.

this is kunst.

Most often given as gifts by some spiteful ignoramus who wants to spread the disease of Dannish kunst, you will find the idiot squares of paint given at weddings or to mark the passing of years of employment or to finalize a retirement.   Danes use kunst to fill the blank empty chasms in their lives, otherwise known as their bare white walls.  Some Danes may object to this post and claim that the squares of paint they hang on their wall are of a superior nature.  But it isn’t true.

also kunst

It is very sad, but nothing can be done.  This is an epidemic of epidemic proportions.

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you have contracted KUNST.

I don’t know what the etiquette is when it comes to commenting on these squares,  but I would advise any international who has come into contact with actual art, instead of spending a lifetime saturated by walls in all places covered in kunst,  just to walk.on.by. What can you say?

YOU:  “Oh, that’s an interesting um..PIECE.”  (piece of XXXX more like, and why are you hanging THAT in your kitchen?)

DANNISH:  *bemused glance* “Oh ah,  nå!  Yah!  It is KUNST.”

There was nothing we could do, it was acute kunst.

The so called ‘Gallerier’ peppering the malls and rural roads in Denmark – these are places that churn out examples of kunst by the thousand and should be razed to the ground  – in my opinion,  although please, don’t take that as a call to arms.

Rampant KUNST.

But anyway, Danish People Like KUNST.

We call it KUNST, because that is what it is.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#3: D-LIST, SECOND RATE, DANISH CELEBRITIES.

I’ve lost count of the times when the Danish have sidled up to me and wanted to boast in a gently straining way about Søren Braabraa or Stig Hansen or whatever it is,  but to The Danish is a CELEBRITY musician or sportsperson or goodness knows what.

Here is your own cut out and keep version of Danish celebrity people The Danish go to bed proudly smug over amongst many others, because Denmark, despite being tiny, is the best place in the world and invented celebrity:

IBEN HJELE,  KNOWN FOR HER APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

IBEN HJELE

VIGGO MORTENSEN-KNOWN FOR HIS APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

PRINCESS MARY DONALDSON-KNOWN FOR HER RAGS TO RICHES STORY AND HER UNDYING AND ETERNAL LOVE NEVER WAINING FOR HER HUSBOND.

DENMARK, I, MARY, REMAIN YOUR EVER FAITHFUL HUMBLE SERVANT. THANKS FOR THE HANDBAGS.

BRRIGGITTTE NIELSEN-KNOWN.

BRIGITTE NIELSEN.

AND THE OLSEN BROTHERS-BEING THE BIGGEST EVER DANNISH ROCK STARS TO MAKE IT GLOBALLY.

THE OLSEN BROTHERS, WINNERSOF EUROVISION 1989. HOOOWAH!

But these are the A-list, first rate Danish Celebrities, and I would surely listen if you wanted to brag about living next door to or standing in line with any of the above.

What is not endearing is the Danish habit of names dropping the D-listers which they do a lot of.  And fall over themselves backwards to shmoooze with what to any reasonable person looks like someone who can barely carry a tune, is monotone and plain boring in delivery or has spent their short 15 minutes of fame appearing on a gardening show only shown in Denmark.

I’m sorry, but I have met some of these d-listers and there is absolutely nothing to brag about.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#2: JUL. warning: Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Chri

The Danish love their festivals. They are an excuse to drink, eat and be merry and this is what Denmark is liking a lot.  It doesn’t matter that the refugee children are put in a camp next to army base, let’s get on with planning the perfect Danish Christmas or JUL as it is called. It is never too early.

Don’t believe me?  Then let’s watch shall we?  Danes become very listless in September and are literally chomping at the bit to get started on JUL.  JUL is the time when you can literally go stark raving mad and start seeing gnomes or ‘nisser’ everywhere.

People who are well integrated into the Danish system will begin a little surreptitious JUL themed napkin buying round about the end of September or the beginning of October.  It starts off quietly enough.

But then…

The alcohol intake by the beginning of November (the official start to JUL) is almost doubled.  Most of The Danish Extremists give their children gifts every Sunday leading up to JUL day (which is actually early, begin Christmas Eve, the night before Christmas Day, but then by that point, The Danish Extremists just can’t wait any longer).  Moderate Danes just give their children a gift every day in December, leading up to that mad present opening on the night of JUL. It’s an all out mad three month long party.

You have to keep an eye out for the increased amounts of exercise The Danish take during the lead up to JUL, and it isn’t uncommon to have to swerve in the early dark nights to avoid whole troops of jogging idiots. No, you haven’t gone mad, you are now living in Denmark.  Get a fucking tattoo and get over it.

You haven’t seen many joggers about right now, because it isn’t the season for it.  In Denmark everything has a season, but listen, it’s all about when the seasonal beer comes out, you don’t know yet, but you will soon.

Coming soon:  Danish People like:  AMERICA.  (But stay at home to be near mummy).

N.B:  It’s been remarked that I appear to be repeating myself on this ole blog, but it has to be said, hey!  This is Denmark, there isn’t a fat lot of new material going round is there?  Fuck this shit, I’m off to buy some JUL styled throw cushions.  They have pictures of TUBORG beers on them.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE #1: Tour De France.

It’s inexplicable and I can’t explain it.  But they really really do like that shit.  Ask a dane why they like Tour De France,  and you may well find out that they watch it purely because a Dane won it once and they have never quite gotten over it.

Surely the only other people who like Tour De France are people in traction with little other choice than to stare at what is on the TV anchored to the wall opposite them?  Or perhaps those people in traction are only watching Tour De France because the DANISH guy in the next bed wants to watch it.