They still haven’t found…what they were looking for.

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I am not posting, but you are still searching! Above are some search terms that brought people to this blog this week.  How glorious that the scribblings of a person trapped in the most boring place on Earth could somehow, someday be of some use to somebody.   xxxxxx

A nice day for Denmark.

Thank god those heinous right wingers have been driven out of town and Denmark gets a change of leadership for a while.  It won’t change a huge amount about the bedrock of Danish culture, but I sure as hell hope that it will curtail the more extremist Danes from having a pedestal from which to speak.

To my utter joy, and due to my previous life as a lipreader,  I saw that Denmark’s new Prime Minister,  Helle Because You’re Worth It Kinnock Smidt,  was speaking to her husband in Engrish all the way through the first dizzy moments in the public eye since her wicktory.

At last there is a chance that the foreigners in Denmark, the deeply mashed into the ground, and the stripped of all dignity have a chance again.  Not much of a chance, because, hey, it’s still Denmark folks,  but they at least have a chance.

I need to see footage of Pia I’ve Sucked A Lemon and Have Maggots in My pants K and her DFP ugly fugly henchmen…if anyone has the link send me a comment,  I neeeed to see that haggard old cows face melt even further into her crepey chest with bitterness.  Purely for the fascination of seeing her implode.

I have now moved to a Non European country (as in it’s not fucking Europe) and while I join with any Danes or Daned people residing in Denmark to celebrate the toppling of quite possibly the worst type of Dane (the right wing) I have to say,  nothing can really undo what Denmark’s already done to itself and the repercussions of that are probably going to take scores of years to even begin to undo.  The social democrats are probably going to have a whole heap of awful measure to control and restrict the people, but at least,  going back to what is nice for Denmark today….at least the foreigners stand some chance now.  After all, the Prime Minister speaks another language to her husband, and it AINT DANNISH!!

Not tempted to come back to Denmark though, and to be quite frank, I don’t understand how anybody could stay,  moving out was like going from day to night for me.  Life is wonderful where I am, warm and loving and friendly and diverse….but perhaps living in Denmark for so many decades is what makes life so bright and wonderful now I am out.

I still maintain that bringing children up to be Danish cultured can be neglect.  But only if you know what else is on offer for people in the world.  If Denmark is all you know, then it is the right thing to do.

Enjoy this nice evening,  and please please,  any pics of Pia KKK with defeat and rage written all over it would be dearly appreciated.

Except I won’t see them, because I don’t visit this site any more.  This is purely for the 1000+ visitors to my blog each week who come with google searched questions as diverse as:

“sagsbehandler shithead”

“will I be happy in Denmark?”

“who is BABSINDK”

“speglepoelse”

“how to say iloveyou in Dannish”

“Dannish Poeple Party”

“my danish husband wants me to move to Denmark”

“jobs in Denmark”

“Guide to Denmark”

Have a wery nice life.

 

xxxxx

V is for Wicktory.

Now a few of the most hardcore evangelist Newbie extremist expats woiking for the government are beginning to create balanced missives available to the public (i.e:  not just spouting right wing horrors and tourist board type propaganda) I feel my job is at least half way done.  This blog was created to answer back to the new wave of naive peoples being washed up on Danish shores who had a drum to bang and a new life to prove and who engaged in a lot of arrogant:  “Denmark is this, Denmark is that,  Denmark is Top of the Tops and all immigrants except me and my mates should be deported” type crap,  because without some kind of challenge those peoples would seriously derail the truth and matter of fact train Denmark needs to make a few stops IN Denmark.

But yes, like I say, my sources inform me through the marvel of ‘cut, stick and put in an email’ technology that the previously mentioned evangelists have wiped the mist from their rose tinted glasses and climbed down off their high horses to begin to write semi balanced posts about Denmark in among all the innocuous and sweet family bulletins, posts about tinned goods and the price of fish and the highly offensive and uneducated diatribes about immigration and refugees in Denmark (or for that matter, any where in the world,  so long as refugee means ‘brown person’).

So let’s just call it a Victory shall we? Our campaign to raise awareness has paid off and it is now a thing of the past that wholly biased and unbalanced pieces about life in Denmark are being fed to curious people who search for answers before moving here.

It’s all I wanted.  Not a mudslinging match, not the bitchybitchy personals, I just wanted the afore mentioned peoples to become LESS extreme just to give people who read their blogs a chance to see that Denmark isn’t sunshine and flowers and that it also includes flies (pigshit) and badmanners (institutionalisation).  Amongst other things.

It’s too much to expect compassionate and intelligent posts about the plight of the immigrant but I am the sort of person who is willing to accept a little babystep in the right direction as being a wery wery good sign.

I can now retire from Danish Expat Blog politics and hand over the reins to anyothersod who cares to wade into these murky waters filled with leeches and bastards. But understand, if the Expat Extremists Woiking for the Government start up again with their seriously misleading propaganda, I’ll wade back in with all guns blazing to sort out any hippos which we all know, despite the fearsome teeth of the tiger, are much more dangerous due to their heft and temper.

Comments are now closed on this blog, so sorry if you can’t make your voice heard, any comments will go straight to moderation and lie there gathering dust.  I refer you to the following expat-in-Denmark blogs:

ADVENTURES AND JAPES IN DENMARK    – a blog by a highly qualified scientist/teacher and activist.  Happy in Denmark with her lot without losing touch with the fates of those who have not been so fortunate as to land on their feet and be the right color, she blogs about what life is like in Denmark, what it is not like, and all in between.

THIS INDONESIAN    -  written by a long time resident of Denmark and Scandinavia,  hailing originally from Indonesia.  A journal full of observations about life in Denmark.

MY LIFE AS A FOREIGNER IN DENMARK   – Lindsay is a newcomer to Denmark and is here for a short term with view to experiencing the culture and having an enriching experience.  Her witty blog is like a glass of soda on a hot day.  Just don’t eat the lemon at the bottom because it’s all soggy.

ONLY IN DENMARK  – factual news site relating the news about Denmark

A TEXAN IN DENMARK  – entertaining blog about life in Denmark from a classic Texan point of view.  Mainly for family and friends of the author but occasionally veers off into highly political opinion posts about refugees,  immigrants and the power of positive thoughts.  A bit like Marmite, you’ll either love it or or hate it,  but one things for sure, you’ll keep coming back! (Until your friends stage an intervention and point out that the weather is lovely outside and wouldn’t your life be better spent doing something that makes you feel good?)

DON’T COME TO DENMARK – rumored to be a blog written by a vagrant who lives at the train station in Copenhagen and eats out of bins. The author of this blog leads us through his anger and disillusionments about life in Denmark in a way that no other expat blogger about life in Denmark has done to date.

So that’s it then.

Don’t mention it.  You are welcome.

xxx

Denmark’s cheerleaders behaving in a misguided way.

“Rohde added that there were worrying signs that Denmark was gaining a reputation internationally as a country that is unfriendly to outsiders…”

Here is the link.

BORDER CONTROLS TAKE A TOLL ON TOURISM.

I am so glad Denmark is being brought down a peg or two. Not because I want to see people here suffer any more than they have to, but because the Denmark I know and love wasn’t hell bent on trying to prove itself to be something else to the rest of the world.  Certain money spinning offices within Denmark have been on a massive PA drive for the last five years and have been employing ‘insiders’ – a new breed of driven ‘Supa-expats’ to do the dirty propaganda work.  A very small number of ex-travel reps, salespeople and those who really can’t go back without a medal. Being here is not their original job and they tend to be spouses at a lose end in search of something to fill their lives up until there is no room to admit any mistakes..

The cheerleaders are being employed by the state to further the cause of Internationals in Denmark (not refugees of course, we’ll just sweep them under the carpet because they will never get it together to contribute to an International society in Denmark, I mean, what WOULD they bring to a pot luck dinner and a talk about Danish culture? Bomb soup? Muslim salad?  Female Genital Mutilation and Feta in a pitta? ). The government bit off more than they can chew there.  Because what they didn’t realise is that the aforementioned cheerleaders have hijacked the cause for their own personal need.  All that energy left over from spending time with their kids and having really demanding jobs…it’s morphing into a whole new movement. And the hype about Denmark is misleading.

And these supa-expat cheerleaders have a very strained air about them. They have a lot to prove. They get into moods and deny them.

If you have to ‘CHOOSE’ to be happy on a daily basis then there is something wrong and you shouldn’t go round telling other people how they should run their immigrant experience, when your own is so transparently full of holes.

You are no better than the non contributing Somalian Grandmother you so revile for never being about to join you on your expat merry go round.  You are no better than the bored and marginalised soon to be radicalised ‘invandrer’ kid who smokes hash day in day out.And yet, and yet…you act like you think you have the market cornered. That you are better.

Any human knows happiness and sadness, but I tell you this, one thing for sure, if we have to wake each day and  make a conscious CHOICE to CHOOSE to be happy in Denmark (or anywhere in fact) it is a sure sign we are not happy in our hearts.  And what’s wrong with a bit of sadness?  It tends to be bookended with happiness anyway, you moron. I don’t, as it happens, wake up each day and say “I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!” I wake up each day and say “I choose to take it as it comes and do my best but not to brush stuff under the carpet if it ails, and to stick up for those who can’t stick up for themselves.”  But that’s my way of life, and yeah, I guess I chose that, but at least I am not going around bandying the biggest load of crap on this planet that happiness in Denmark is dependent on whether you ‘choose’ to be happy.  Bollocks, serious bollocks that.

I tell you what, happiness comes to me like a little bird.  It flies in, it flies out, I don’t command it and put it in a cage.  The caged bird soon becomes listless.  It looks pretty, the feathers are still there, but it wants to fly it’s own way.  You got your happiness all stitched up like a bird with it’s wings clipped.  Woopedoop, you can say you got it.  And you deny the right of others here to SAY IT LIKE IT IS, and accuse people of being haters?  Good lord.  You look too old to be that young.

You can’t command happiness because it has a fluid quality.  I see bony grasping hand around happiness throat when you speak of your own peculiar brand of ‘choice happiness’.  Don’t you realise that because you spend so much time trying to convince people you are happy it seems like you are the opposite.  People who claim to be that ‘choosing to be happy’?  By all accounts moody sulky mofos in real life who appear to be trying to hard. Although, be my guest to try. And if you don’t admit that,  that happiness is not some kind of truth but some kind of blessing,  that you can merely choose it and anyone who doesn’t is somehow less, if you carry on claiming that Denmark is only as good or bad as YOUR self control and how freaking ‘postivietleriytooty’ one can appear to be, then you are…and here I say it: FOOLING YOURSELF AND OTHERS WHO CARE TO NOTICE YOU.

Gloves:  off.

And stop calling anyone who doesn’t agree with your ‘CHOOSE HAPPINESS’ militancy of being haters.  The overwhelming sentiment has always been concern.

But yes, let’s talk about choice.  I am going to bang you upside your cyber head with your own CHOOOSING  (I am against actual violence in any real terms).

Let’s talk about the choices you make.

YOU CHOOSE TO FEEL HATED.  When nobody hates.  They are challenging you yes,  but hate? I think that is coming from you. Flaming?  Go private.  I know I did.  And do.  What kind of an idjit posts regular posts about immigration in Denmark IN THIS DAY AND AGE and then winces and whines about the ensuing comments?

And Denmark is what it is.  And you are trying to make it something it’s not.  And it is pretty handy you got a job in that department because I’d hate to think of you being one of those ghastly broken foreigners who can’t ‘do lunch’.

AND…AND…AND

and.

 

there ain’t nuthin wrong with being sad sometime. and if you are a foreigner in Denmark, there is a LOT to be sad about right now, so STFU you silly, ignorant, arrogant behaving woman.

 

 

About the Responsibility of Immigrants.

“Dear Babsalicious The Delicious,

I am sick and tired of hearing from immigrants who come here and start spouting the lines normally only heard from the Tourist Board or the Government about Denmark being akin to some kind of joyride give or take the odd little hiccup understanding the language or shop opening times.  These people know nothing about the genuine hardship occurring in Denmark today, partly brought on by the current governmental administration, and supported by a closed and xenophobic culture that refuses to change in the light of global changes.

I work on the frontline in Denmark with people who suffer very greatly at the hands of Denmarks crazy system and increasingly closed culture and I would like to say here that this new breed of expats and immigrants appear to be dreadfully naive and in some cases too headstrong, ignorant and naive to beggar belief!

What are they ON?

Please keep blogging to counteract these misguided and imbalanced individuals because I know you get a hell of a lot of traffic on your site and because I know that this leads to about five to six email queries a week from people either in Denmark or thinking about Denmark who need support or clarification.  Many of whom have read all about the ‘Happiest place on Earth’ or seen Oprah’s misguided segment on life here or read blogs of evangelical and naive expats who have been here for less than five years, have no real understanding of Denmark’s modern history and are on some kind of ‘I must I must I must prove i did the right thing or die’ mission in order to save face and justify their relocation.

Please keep up the good work because not before the tourist board got an extra lump sum around Mary and Frederiks wedding has there been so much misleading waffle spouted about Denmark.

I even heard of this chick who was brain damaged and in a relationship with a Dane who did not care for her and refused to commit who was encouraged to come here time and time again when it was obviously not the right thing at all.  Vulnerable individuals are being zoned in on, lovebombed and then lured with false platitudes to get here just in order to swell numbers when what really should be said is that Denmark is only for the very thick skinned and even refugees should try and get to the UK or anywhere but here.  It is not advisable to be a foreigner in Denmark even if your husband does work for Siemens.  About the most anybody should embark on is a years study, and then, hell yes, that will be fun, but for the love of god, think very carefully before you commit or have a big farewell party with your family and burn bridges.  Lots of foreigners are still here precisely because they made a big deal out of coming here and they feel they are not allowed to just GO HOME.

Nobody is claiming Denmark is an out and out shit hole, but to put it forward as a viable option for families to station themselves in, or to claim that the draconian integration schemes are humanistic is an outrage. I am also finding the suggestion that it is the immigrants responsbility to fit in with the Danish way lest they offend the danes or rock the boat to be highly toxic.  The notion is disgusting when you consider the reasons why a lot of ‘immigrants’ are here and that in actual fact, Denmark needs to adjust a lot more to new cultures before the immigrants have a wide spread chance of adjusting to Denmark.

Lots of love

XXXXXXXX ( a DANE)

P.s: could it not be that one of the responsibilities of immigrants is to not be so fucking arrogant as to presume they know anything about Denmark or better than those who have been immigrants here for a lot longer?”

40 good and bad things about Denmark

GOOD

1. The beaches are simple and clean and look rather pretty in winter or summer.
2. One always feels so exotic and interesting and fast witted here.
3. You don’t have to lock your door if you live in a rural area because the small chance of being robbed makes it worth it.
4. The shops are not open during the times when people who work are around in essence it means you save a  lot of money because you can’t buy anything.
5. The buses run on time.
6. It’s the home of LEGO so that’s kind of neat.
7. There are no poisonous animals.
8. Ditto earth quakes (I must admit I am getting help from a 10 year old with this).
9. There are no nuclear reactors here ( I am resisting the urge to point out that Sweden put theirs as close to Denmark as possible).
10. The summers here are picture book chocolate box perfect in terms of the colours.
11. If you drink it can be very cheap to stay sloshed and nobody will judge you (okay, I’m going off at a tangent, I don’t think this is good).
12. The cakes.  The cakes and bread.
13. It’s okay to be fat here, as is the norm.  Even the teenage girls (so skinny in London for example) have pot jelly bellies.
14. If you like cafe culture and have a lot of money and don’t mind overhearing the same conversations, it’s a great place to hang out if you like that sort of thing.
15. You can tell people you’ve lived in the birth place of Hans Christian Anderson.
16. Denmark is a great education.  If this is the happiest place on earth then please don’t show me the saddest.
17. Children are all in daycare from six months so that frees up a lot of time. I guess.
18. Danes are sweet and innocent.
19. If you are from the USA you can live here and say you’ve lived in Europe, which it really is.  Denmark is the poster child of Europe, and that is going to be a great story to tell the grandchildren.
20. It doesn’t get too hot.
21. There is lots of snow and snow can be fun.
22. People like to do cozy and snuggle on the sofa.
23. If you don’t want to be married to someone you can just divorce then and carry on with the rest of your life (warning: this only applies to dane on dane marriages and not to mixed culture marriages here).
24. You can leave your kids unattended and you won’t get done for it.  Even really small babies.
25. It’s really small so you don’t have to spend hours in the car to get anywhere.
26. There’s a lot of ecological foodstuff to choose from in the supermarkets.
27. Free gift wrapping service
28. Free samples at the beauty counter and during food promotions.
29. There is always a party to go to.
30. If you like fish you can really pig out.
31. If you like going topless on the beach nobody will arrest you.
32. Cycling.
33. Stuff is left outside supermarkets at night and it hardly gets stolen, which gives one a sense of living somewhere where people don’t need to steal.
34. New Years Eve is done like they do it in films.
35. Free Speech, anybody can say what they like without fear of reprisal.
36. Equality, everybody is equal here and the handicapped get gold plated wheelchairs.
37. Free schools … schools are free here.  You do not have to pay a single kroner for children for the schooling they get from 8am until 4.30 pm.
38. The Penal system.  Sentences are really lenient here,   and one can do murder and only get three years or even nothing (if it is a family member and they goad you).
39. Babies.  Babies are left unattended in carts outside all the drinking establishments.  It is so safe here nobody cares.
40. Safety.  Denmark is so safe that there are no crimes.  Nobody gets burgled,  nobody gets raped and above all nobody gets their car stolen.
41. Happiest Place on Earth, apart from North Korea of course.  Denmark is the happiest place on Earth, everybody is so happy and you can see it in their happy smiling faces.
42. Low suicide rate.  Because Denmark is so happy the suicide rate is so low.  Last year there were only 7 suicides in the whole of Denmark and three of those were mercy suicides so do not count.
43. International community.  The international community in Denmark is thriving.  There are more people moving to Denmark than leaving and the buzz is spreading all over the world that Denmark is the place to be.
44. The educational system here is second to none.
45. Multi culturalism and tolerance.  Denmark has embraced its immigrants and all schools teach understanding and rejoicing in differences.
46. Human Rights.  Denmark has a spotless record when it comes to human rights, and has twice recieved the Worlds Best Treater of Humans award from Sting.
47. Vikings.  Vikings come from Denmark.

BAD THINGS ABOUT DENMARK.

1.  The seasons are insane.  One extreme to the other.  six months of extreme  cold and snow and having to wear a duvet coat with legs (obviously Canadians and Eskimos have no probs with this) and then stark bright sunlight bouncing off impossibly blue skies and garish yellow fields of rape.
2. The people are odd.  So unless you are the same sort of odd you are going to hate it here.
3. Really limited food choices.
4. Funny opening hours at the shops.  They close when people get out of work…WTF????
5. Sexual overtones..it is not unusual to find porm mags next to childrens comics.
6. The landscape: really boring despite its summer prettiness,  one starts to yearn for hills and mountains.
7. Horrid new breed of expats being paid by government think tanks to pretend Denmark is a viable option for people with children.  EVIL MOFOS.
8. No veggie option.  Veggie option in Denmark is chicken or fish.  Many Danes do not understand what the word Vegan means and think it is something to do with diabetes.
9. Arrogance.  Denmark thinks it is the best place in the world, which is really embarrassing because North Korea is.
10. Bathrooms..its really rare to find a bathroom with a bath in it here. If you want to get properly clean you need a bath.

As you can see, the positives about Denmark far outweigh the negatives, so I would suggest, if you are thinking of moving here and are one of the many many hundreds of people who come to this blog on the searches:

“good and bad things about Denmark”

“should i move to Denmark”

“are danish people friendly”

“is denmark a good place to live”

etc, then you just move here, start a blog and tell the world.

 I suppose I am being irresponsible but to be quite frank, I am feeling playful.

xxx

ONLY PEOPLE LIKE ME SHOULD HAVE STATUS IN DENMARK

Waivers:

a) I don’t want to talk about it.

b)I am not uploading this so that the foreigners in DK who do not belong on any “concession chart” can mail an unsigned elucidation that announces something in the neighborhood of: “Look Honky,  I warned you that by virtue of your North American citizenship you are clueless about what it is like to be a bona fide migrant!!!!”

c) I am not uploading this to dispense pabulum for those web logs that never cease to utilize me and what they ascribe to as my way of looking at Denmark to be more negative than it actually is as the destination for their umbrage;

d) I am not uploading this to announce that I am in ANY sort OF way IN support of A SINGLE word THAT is ISSUED from THE voiceparts OF soren PIND…

etc.

Coming soon:  Am I a Danewife? QUIZ.

MARMITE-GATE CONTINUES. “DENMARK IS LAUGHING STOCK”

This week amid scenes of chaos and civic upheaval shops began the painstaking process of removing every single jar of Marmite from Danish shelves.  In a bizarre move yesterday the Danish Government issued a statement that began with a patronising little titter and went on to say:  “This is wery funny.  You foreigners are so attached to your foods.  It’s not that important.  Vi kan do vat vi vant.  Vi are ze Dannish government, and vi do vat vi vant.”

Angry internationals and immigrants alike raged through the night and went with many unanswered questions.  At 4 am this morning the Queen of Denmark Camilla Yellowteeth was forced to make an emergency broadcast as people took to the streets, overturning cars and calling for someones resignation or at least a cheap flight out of Denmark.

“Listen.”  QueenYellowteeth was heard to state “LISTEN UP!  Marmite has not been banned in Denmark. It’s merely been removed from the shelves of shops due to it’s illegal nature.”

A woman whose husband works for Siemens asked:  “But hold on a minute, you batty old cow,  are you saying that we can buy Marmite in Denmark?”

Yellowteeth:  “No.  You may not.”

A woman whose husband works for Vestas then chipped in: “But is it legal or isn’t it?”

Yellowteeth:  “It is illegal, and always has been.  The makers never applied for a permit.  That’s why we took it off the shelves.  We had many reports from ethnic Danes that people were eating a foreign substance called Marmite and that it was suspected as not have been gone through the proper Danish channels and also suspected of not being Liverpostej, which is what normal people put on their bread.”

A man who came here from Swindon to go to University because he heard that Gays were welcome in Tolerant Denmark piped up:  “So you are saying that Marmite has not been banned, it has merely been removed from the shelves pending an application from the makers for it to be sold in Denmark?”

Queen Margerita Yellowteeth:  “Yes, that’s essactly what I am saying.  The International press have greatly overblown this.”

A woman who left her family to come and live with her Danish boyfriend here said:  “But if Marmite apply for a licence, are they going to be allowed to get one?”

Queen Yellowteeth:  “No.  Although, because Denmark will want to backtrack in an effort to imagine they still have some international standing insteading of being the Most Ridiculous Place on Earth, it might let Marmite through.”

Media far and wide reported the Marmite-gate with the gloves off.

“What obviously started as the bright idea of a misguided Danish official has now made Denmark an international laughing stock, no doubt creating a headache for their foreign affairs diplomats.”  said one.

In fact the whole world is once again:  “incredulous at Denmark’s bizarre decision”.

What we relish, here chez Babs is that people on the ‘outside’ are now saying “WTF DENMARK????” and not since COP15 has Denmarks bizarre way of going about things been so in the press.

It’s universally known now.  Denmark is not a place to raise your international family,  Denmark is a place for Danes.  And what Danes are is a post I really don’t think I have the time or energy to write,  but what I will say is this:  you don’t have to be born ‘ethnically Danish’ to be a Dane and becoming a Dane can happen at any time in your life.  Some people are immune to contracting Danishness, others are predisposed to it.  The highest risk of Danishness is in Copenhagen.  So if you are coming here and want to avoid contracting it,  stay in Jutland.

Lots of love, bye bye for now,  Have fun.

Denmark Will Not Allow the Sale of Marmite in Denmark.

Denmark has removed marmite from it’s shelves, so I am forced to come out of hibernation and write one more post. I recieved a letter:

“Dear XXX-XXXX,

Denmark removing Marmite from it’s shelves is the last straw for me.  I am leaving this godforsaken place of idiots and nothingness.  I just wanted you to know I am leaving, and that I am not the only one. I know of two other families who are leaving who cite Søren Pind’s horribleness, the culture at large and the Marmite thing as the last straw.  Good bye Denmark! You cucking waste of space!  Goodbye!

Oh and by the way, you still owe me that 400 kroner, which I knew you had no intention of paying me back.  Let’s just call it quits and say I take it as payment for that fantastic b*** j** you gave me in the toilets at Noma.  My lord,  all those years in the convent didn’t seem to hold you back did they?

Lots of love

PXXXX YXXXX”

To which I can only say, PXXXX,  you are welcome, but I think you are mistaken about who you went into the toilets with, but I’ll take the debt as canceled anyway.

Oh Denmark, you sad little place, going nowhere, doing nothing but nothing.

“I tried and got nowhere” – yet another sentient being leaves DK

“I came to Denmark because my husband got a job here.It is a job he loves to do and he had applied all over the world to get this job.He is what The Danish might call a desirable immigrant,he is a highly skilled worker.It’s not just about the money,it is the job he loves.So we came with a plan.He would do the job he love,the children would be in school here,I would retrain in my field,take Danish classes and the right Danish qualifications.I worked and worked to rise in my plan.First I learn basic Danish,then go onto higher Danish.All this I did.Then onto higher Danish education.Extra qualifications.Job after job I apply for.Always no.In beginning I say “It is only matter of time.I good in my field and now Denmark will recognise this.See that I work.”But no.I try harder.Push children more.We speak only Danish at home.I speak only Danish with friends.Complete immersion.But no job,always some bullshit excuse.My husband very happy in his job.But life here like tomb.Nothing for me.Nothing for kids.They get teased because they are different or weak or something.Now the teacher says we must speak to a psychologist because one of our children is hitting other kids at school.I know it is because he has been bullied verbally since the start.How I prove this?Every day: “Why you not have rugbrød?”We are leaving.My husband very unhappy. I say: “It is me and the kinder or your job-you chose. I not live in this fucking mad land any more.No future.Goodbye Mr Silly Willy.Good bye fucking mad land.You stay if you want but I go now.” To sum up:I came to Denmark with high hopes.I did every fucking thing I could to fit in.I smiled and smiled saw the bright side and did not give up.I net worked,I socialised.  I integrated. I went expat meetup groups.  But fuck this for a game of criket.  No good. Stupid place.Many of my friends did the same.We came, we tried and now we go.Some othernice place instead.Goodbye.”

Readers Letters: “I am a Danish Man married to a foreigner.”

“Dear ‘Babs’,

I don’t know if you will get this because you have not replied to the previous letter I wrote.But anyway I will send it.I am a Danish man married to a foreigner.We are just about to leave Denmark and never come back.You can add our names to the statistics of people leaving and never coming back.The moment we finally decided to leave Denmark and never come back was after many years of trying to make things hang together here and failing.In my wife’s country she had a good job but because her qualiications were not recognized in Denmark,for some reason we can not understand,she had to do some really shit jobs just so we could pay the mortgage on our house.Many times the bank threatened us to repossess the house and my job alone would not be enough and has not been enough.We are now selling our house at a much lower price than it is worth just to get out as quick as we can.We are returning to my wifes country where she has the possibility to get work in her own profession and where the people are wonderful.

I am not going to bring out the old “I am ashamed to be Danish” line because I know you have heard that many times and that it isn’t an excuse as far as you are concerned.What I will say is that I am a Danish man married to a foreigner and I am glad to be turning my back on Denmark.The last several years have been demoralizing and I have looked at “my” country with new eyes partly through experiencing the troubles my foreigner wive has gone through and partly through travelling in and out of Danmark.

The worst part of going on holiday from Denmark has to be the coming back.We just went on holiday out of Denmark for a short break over Easter and the people we met out of Denmark were so alive and friendly and intelligent the contrast with the people we met in the boarding lounge before our flight back to Copenhagen was horrific.

We could tell who was Danish and who was not.We sat in the lounge almost in tears and turned to each other knowing that this was the end,we just cannot do it any more.So goodbye Denmark.To my fellow Danes:youare so arrogant and smug and unfriendly and not able to see who you really are.I could say much much more but I am tired and we just want to get out.

Goodbye Denmark.

Anon”

What does Danish look like?

Many people ask me:  “What do The Danish look like?”

or “How can you tell if someone IS Danish?”

The easiest way to see what Dannish look like is if they have light hair. Or if they are not ‘of another ethnic background than Danish”.

Usually,  if you are looking at two people in Denmark and one is ‘of another ethnic background than Danish ( perhaps with a monobrow or carrying a rolled up carpet under his arm or with a big bushy black beard and angry face)  and the other has light hair:  the one with light hair will almost certainly be Dannish.

So. If you are wondering, a Danish looks like a light haired person, and anything ‘darker’ than that looks like they are not Danish.  In the long run, this makes the fight against crime a lot easier for everybody.

Here is your cut out ‘n’ keep guide to recognizing what is looking Danish and what is not looking Danish…

Not of Danish Appearance

Left: Not of Danish Appearance. Right: Of Danish Appearance.

OF Danish appearance.

Liberated, but still NOT DANISH.

Obviously Danish (light hair)

If in doubt: dark hair: not danish.

so not danish

do you need to ask?

Obviously Dannish.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#4: ‘KUNST’ aka ‘art’.

A very good friend of mine pointed out lately that there is art, and then there is ‘kunst’.

KUNST KUNST KUNST

And there surely is a difference.

kunst kunst kunst kunstkunst KUNST

 

‘Kunst’ is the Danish word that Danish people like to use for the word ‘art’.

But Kunst is not art.  Kunst is a disease.

KunST KUNSTKUNSTKUNSTKUNST KUNST kunst kunst kunst KUNSTKUNST KUNST

 

In every Dannish house, in every Dannish apartment,  in every Dannish doctor’s waiting room,  in every Dannish office, in every Dannish summer house, in every Dannish place of work or abode or business you will find an example of KUNST.

KUNST i say KUNST!

It hangs on the wall in a square and is layers of paint applied willy nilly.  Whether we are supposed to look at these squares of horror or look away in politeness I do not know, but what I do know is that they are everywhere and spreading.

this is kunst.

Most often given as gifts by some spiteful ignoramus who wants to spread the disease of Dannish kunst, you will find the idiot squares of paint given at weddings or to mark the passing of years of employment or to finalize a retirement.   Danes use kunst to fill the blank empty chasms in their lives, otherwise known as their bare white walls.  Some Danes may object to this post and claim that the squares of paint they hang on their wall are of a superior nature.  But it isn’t true.

also kunst

It is very sad, but nothing can be done.  This is an epidemic of epidemic proportions.

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you have contracted KUNST.

I don’t know what the etiquette is when it comes to commenting on these squares,  but I would advise any international who has come into contact with actual art, instead of spending a lifetime saturated by walls in all places covered in kunst,  just to walk.on.by. What can you say?

YOU:  “Oh, that’s an interesting um..PIECE.”  (piece of XXXX more like, and why are you hanging THAT in your kitchen?)

DANNISH:  *bemused glance* “Oh ah,  nå!  Yah!  It is KUNST.”

There was nothing we could do, it was acute kunst.

The so called ‘Gallerier’ peppering the malls and rural roads in Denmark – these are places that churn out examples of kunst by the thousand and should be razed to the ground  – in my opinion,  although please, don’t take that as a call to arms.

Rampant KUNST.

But anyway, Danish People Like KUNST.

We call it KUNST, because that is what it is.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#3: D-LIST, SECOND RATE, DANISH CELEBRITIES.

I’ve lost count of the times when the Danish have sidled up to me and wanted to boast in a gently straining way about Søren Braabraa or Stig Hansen or whatever it is,  but to The Danish is a CELEBRITY musician or sportsperson or goodness knows what.

Here is your own cut out and keep version of Danish celebrity people The Danish go to bed proudly smug over amongst many others, because Denmark, despite being tiny, is the best place in the world and invented celebrity:

IBEN HJELE,  KNOWN FOR HER APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

IBEN HJELE

VIGGO MORTENSEN-KNOWN FOR HIS APPEARANCES IN SEVERAL FILMS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN

PRINCESS MARY DONALDSON-KNOWN FOR HER RAGS TO RICHES STORY AND HER UNDYING AND ETERNAL LOVE NEVER WAINING FOR HER HUSBOND.

DENMARK, I, MARY, REMAIN YOUR EVER FAITHFUL HUMBLE SERVANT. THANKS FOR THE HANDBAGS.

BRRIGGITTTE NIELSEN-KNOWN.

BRIGITTE NIELSEN.

AND THE OLSEN BROTHERS-BEING THE BIGGEST EVER DANNISH ROCK STARS TO MAKE IT GLOBALLY.

THE OLSEN BROTHERS, WINNERSOF EUROVISION 1989. HOOOWAH!

But these are the A-list, first rate Danish Celebrities, and I would surely listen if you wanted to brag about living next door to or standing in line with any of the above.

What is not endearing is the Danish habit of names dropping the D-listers which they do a lot of.  And fall over themselves backwards to shmoooze with what to any reasonable person looks like someone who can barely carry a tune, is monotone and plain boring in delivery or has spent their short 15 minutes of fame appearing on a gardening show only shown in Denmark.

I’m sorry, but I have met some of these d-listers and there is absolutely nothing to brag about.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE#2: JUL. warning: Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Christmas begins in three months Danish Chri

The Danish love their festivals. They are an excuse to drink, eat and be merry and this is what Denmark is liking a lot.  It doesn’t matter that the refugee children are put in a camp next to army base, let’s get on with planning the perfect Danish Christmas or JUL as it is called. It is never too early.

Don’t believe me?  Then let’s watch shall we?  Danes become very listless in September and are literally chomping at the bit to get started on JUL.  JUL is the time when you can literally go stark raving mad and start seeing gnomes or ‘nisser’ everywhere.

People who are well integrated into the Danish system will begin a little surreptitious JUL themed napkin buying round about the end of September or the beginning of October.  It starts off quietly enough.

But then…

The alcohol intake by the beginning of November (the official start to JUL) is almost doubled.  Most of The Danish Extremists give their children gifts every Sunday leading up to JUL day (which is actually early, begin Christmas Eve, the night before Christmas Day, but then by that point, The Danish Extremists just can’t wait any longer).  Moderate Danes just give their children a gift every day in December, leading up to that mad present opening on the night of JUL. It’s an all out mad three month long party.

You have to keep an eye out for the increased amounts of exercise The Danish take during the lead up to JUL, and it isn’t uncommon to have to swerve in the early dark nights to avoid whole troops of jogging idiots. No, you haven’t gone mad, you are now living in Denmark.  Get a fucking tattoo and get over it.

You haven’t seen many joggers about right now, because it isn’t the season for it.  In Denmark everything has a season, but listen, it’s all about when the seasonal beer comes out, you don’t know yet, but you will soon.

Coming soon:  Danish People like:  AMERICA.  (But stay at home to be near mummy).

N.B:  It’s been remarked that I appear to be repeating myself on this ole blog, but it has to be said, hey!  This is Denmark, there isn’t a fat lot of new material going round is there?  Fuck this shit, I’m off to buy some JUL styled throw cushions.  They have pictures of TUBORG beers on them.

DANISH PEOPLE LIKE #1: Tour De France.

It’s inexplicable and I can’t explain it.  But they really really do like that shit.  Ask a dane why they like Tour De France,  and you may well find out that they watch it purely because a Dane won it once and they have never quite gotten over it.

Surely the only other people who like Tour De France are people in traction with little other choice than to stare at what is on the TV anchored to the wall opposite them?  Or perhaps those people in traction are only watching Tour De France because the DANISH guy in the next bed wants to watch it.

It’s summer! But fortunately, daycare is still open for business.

http://www.dr.dk/nettv/update/?video={d279010d-4688-4dc1-81fb-407283b5d36b}

Above is a link to a DR1 article about how a large proportion of the youngest children being brought up in the Danish System are going to be attending their daycare facilities the whole summer through. Meaning they don’t get any ‘summer holiday’.

One particular daycare facility states that about a quarter of the kids on their books are not taking any break from daycare, which pretty much means these kids are institutionalized every day of the year give or take.

This comes as no surprise to me, but I am tickled that this is a newsworthy item.  Speaking to insiders over the years, being an insider myself from time to time,  tales of parents who leave their kids in daycare over the summer or who don’t pick their kids up till the last minute are plentiful.

But that is because,quite apart from wiping your kids bums and brushing sand off their little toes, people who work for Daycare centers have one other purpose in life and that is to judge you, as a parent, relentlessly.  Trust me, those daycare workers!  Phew!  Do they like to gossip and bitch about the parents!  It’s what we do.

Even if we are smiling at you and telling you everything is great, you will still be the main topic of conversation when your back is turned.  What else do we have to talk about? We are constantly evaluating you as a parent, as a Dane and as a man/woman.

You may seem like a ‘good parent’ and an ‘integrated Dane’ but we are constantly on the look out for any indication that that might not be the case.  It’s our job. There is always huge speculation about what goes on ‘at home’.

But as daycare workers we don’t need to talk to you about homelife as we can pick up on a lot of what goes at home, and you will never hear about it.  It is typical to build a profile of a child’s parent over time and to store it in some daycare memory corner to use at some later date if necessary.

It could be your kid’s hair: we judge you on the length of your kid’s hair – is too long, or too short? If you haven’t brushed it for two mornings running we will notice how much time you spend on your own appearance:  lots of very high maintenance mums bring their kids to daycare in a right state, because they know they don’t have to be seen with them and because they want to use the time to look good themselves. If  your kid’s hair is always brushed and neat we might ask:  what are you hiding?

You can’t really win, and the most you can hope for is that you feel your kids are alright in daycare, but we are also great at reassurance.  We need about two thirds of the parents to feel a deep affection for our daycare institution, we choose our battles.

Does your child cry when he falls over?  Then in the future we might be able to recall that and say he is oversensitive.  If he doesn’t cry when he falls over then you are obviously not bonding with him. Are you buying your child lots of toys?  You are overcompensating.  Not enough toys?  You are not aware of your child’s needs.

We notice if you have a lot of make up on,we notice if you have forgotten your deodorant.  We might not talk about everything among ourselves but you can guarantee,  if it ever gets to the point where we talk to you,the parent, about something, this is because we’ve had long discussions about the matter before hand.  Positive or negative, our observations as day care workers are taken very seriously if we decide to voice them.  And there is a good deal of mumbling amongst ourselves.

We expect you to listen to us, and respect us, since we know more about what is right for your child than you do.

But sometimes it’s difficult, sometimes we can’t find anything to gossip about so we have to scrape the barrel.  In this case we are going to give parents a hard time for not taking their kids out of daycare for the summer.  But you know,  in August we will be bleating about how many parents have not brought their kids back to daycare after the summer holiday.  Or that some parents don’t bring their kids into daycare early in the morning, and think they can just sail in any time.

Whatever you do, understand this:  You’ve chosen to give your child to us to take care of for the greatest bulk of their early life and you had better tick all our boxes or we will turn on you and tell you what an awful parent you are and what your kid needs and how you are obviously failing.

Personally, I think it is pretty sad that kids are in the middle of this tug of war between parents and daycare workers.

I wouldn’t leave my kids in a Danish daycare institution full time with no breaks unless I really had no other choice and no other support…I think it’s a sign of having no resources mentally if a parent does this.  In this case I prefer to be on the side of the Danish systematized parent rather than the daycare workers speaking out about the quarter of their parents who have not booked their kids out of daycare for the summer.

LOL, Danes, such a bunch of extremists.

On Flags and Deep Facial Crevices.

You know, I cop a lot of flak writing about Denmark and the Denish way.  I am told I am in no position to find fault with Denmark and the Denish way and that if I ‘don’t like it’ I should simply jump straight back on the banana boat and go back to the bongobongo land from whence I came.  After all, I am a guest here, who am I to say anything out loud?

However,  every now and then I come across a piece of evidence and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that:  I am RIGHT,  I am right!

Or maybe I am not, but either way I have PROOF.

First bit of proof:  we can talk all around the houses about the (over)usage of the so called Denish Flag, the garish red background with a bold white cross emblazoned apon it that is held so sacred it may not brush the ground or else ten fully educated pædagogs mysteriously drop down dead (if you let the Danish flag brush the ground AND you pass a wet fart through it twenty viceværts get a goiter and their childrens children are born boss eyed and bandy legged),  we can all talk and talk about the way this flag is used and used again, and then some smug little shrimp can write in and go blahblahblah it’s hardly overuse and anyway look at how every other country uses THEIR flag, but let’s be frank:  the Danes have no sane reason for their dedication to their flag and the rituals of the flag.

Last week I was met with real proof and I can now close the case and no longer even give half an ear to those blasted ‘dialogers’.

I was driving along the flag festooned street of some small Dannish town, humming happily at the top of my voice to some rousing ballalaika musak, when I came to a set of traffic lights.  Were they red?  Where they green?  What freaking colour were they?  I DON’T KNOW, some Danskisk extremist had placed a flag pole directly in front of the light, the fabric was flapping in FRONT of the light.

Now, in any place with a semblance of a pulse,  someone somewhere would have rang the council, the people I judge to be responsible for the putting up of these communal flags lining the streets of Denmark whenever there is so much of a hint of a beer related holy day or public holiday,  and pointed out that there is a fugging flag obstructing a traffic light.

What would be the point of reporting such maddansk flaggery?  I can’t be the first person to have noticed the traffic lights are obstructed by a fabric square of nationalism. Perhaps people have complained, I can’t believe it hasn’t been pointed out.  Maybe it went something like this:

Member of public:  “I am concerned. There is a flag in front of the traffic lights, I cannot see the lights changing.”

Worker at the kommune:  “Is it a Danish flag?”

Member of the public:  “Yes, it is a Danish flag.”

Worker at the kommune:  “This is what we have always done, and we always will.  We must keep the Danish flag where it always has been.  If we move this flag because you want to see the traffic lights then who knows where this will lead.”

I know the above was a bit weak but I can’t come up with anything better.  The flag was in front of the freaking traffic light. I don’t really know what else to say.  It wasn’t the first time that flag was put there,  some dandidiot is putting it there over and over again.  Dandidiots are driving past a traffic light wrapped in a dannish flag (when the wind is in a certain direction) and saying nuthin, time after time after time.

There you go:  PROOF.  About what I am sure you can figure it out yourself.  It’s like an inkblot test,  you have the image now you tell me what it means to you.  Traffic light with a dannish flag wrapped round it so you can’t see whether it is safe to drive on or not.

More proof for you today.  Yesterday I had cause to travel out of my comfort zone.  I was hostess at a meeting and spent four hours speaking almost non stop in Dannish.  This was for two reasons: firstly, these were native Dannish speakers with zero grasp of Engrish and I am certainly not going to speak German even if I do know all the words and arm movements to ” target=”_blank”>’99 red balloons’. and secondly,  I needed to say the same thing once to a lot of people and not go around having little private conversations in different languages: e.g:  “Ninety nine red balloons…”  or “99 luftballons” or “rød grøde med fløde” or whatever it would have taken to get everybody on the same page.

So I had to speak UP, and I had to speak OUT and I had to speak CONSTANTLY and I had to speak in DANNISH for quite some time.

Now, here’s the proof.  This morning when I woke up I happened to notice that I was having a good face day.  A good face day is the day when the eyes twinkle like Bambi’s, the brow is smooth and unlined, the lips plump and well shaped and the nose in proportion to the rest of it.  The cheeks are plump and dewy fresh with the faint blush of rosepetals at sunrise.  All in all, quite nice to have sitting on the top of ones (swanlike) neck. “I have been blessed.” I thought smilingly to myself on my way out, misting myself with some jasmine perfume.  I was looking the way I liked and liking the way I looked.

Hours and hours of dannish later and catching a glimpse of myself in the looking glass I had to do a double take.  WTF??? Had my mouth disapeared?

Two pale taupe skinny little strips meanly marked the place where two plump lips had once hovered full of summer bloom!  Where was my mouth?  Worst of all,  above the upper lip were a concertina of vertical SMOKERS lines!  I DON’T smoke. I don’t do vertical lines on my upper lip.

That first glance was incredibly shaking,  and I leaned in to check what i was sure I saw..

My brow was deeply lined, and the whole expression of my face had changed.  The look was leathery and not dewy.  Used, not well loved.  Craggy and beat up.

I looked like I had been cycling uphill in the snow.  I looked like I had been squinting at my handball coach.  I looked like I was just on my way to the Solarium even though I had only just been. Like I was thumbing idly through an advertising supplement while waiting in line to pick up my contraceptive pills. Like I was going to leave work early on Friday and was looking forward to buying some more lumber.

My facial expression had undergone such an extreme change I was shocked. I had no idea this was possible.  Maybe now I understand that thing about why dogs end up looking so much like their owners.

I looked like I had spent the last ten years working in a børnehaven and being forcibly cheerful and coercive. I looked like I had attended too many JULFROKOST to count.  The sallow cast of my skin suggested I had been smoking and cackling throatily with my workmates and then gone back on the ward to change a dressing with my yellowed fingers.  I looked like I was on my way to my parents summer house and was wondering whether I should buy fresh RUNDSTYKKER or frozen.  I looked like I ate a lot of cheap meat washed down with cheap metallic wine and that I had KUNST hanging in my lounge above my L shaped sofa. I looked like I had been saying “RUGBRØD!” over and over and over again, only to take the occasional break to say “HAVREGRYN!” or “JUL!”.

In short, for some reason, my incredibly elastic face had taken on the combined impression of the group I had been speaking with and most impressively my mouth had wheedled on down to a nubbin and I could get work as a Paprika Steen stunt double.

The effects of ‘Too Much Danshka!’ (Trademark and copywrite) are wearing off slowly, but I must be sure as to avoid making the same mistake again.  The mistake being to submerge myself in a culture that gives me a mean mouth and deep facial crevices and a banal train of thought.

It’s time I was honest, I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t speak  ‘Too Much Danshka’.  There is a difference between doing something because it makes life easier for those around you in the short term, or doing something because it is best for you in the short term and in the long term.

Danes are now taught from an early age, that one of the biggest threat to Danshkism is the people who come here who refuse to be Danish, I would say, it’s your only fugging hope.

Joking aside, it has to be said, if I put myself in a situation where I have to speak any more Danish than to comment briefly on the weather, to order, yes, darnit, a bag of RUNDSTYKKER or to help an old lady across the road then I am doing some serious damage to myself.

Maybe I go too far, maybe I don’t go far enough, either way, the whole ‘integration’ scheme sucks. Including becoming fully fluent in Danish and speaking it as your default language.  *sound of screaming at the very thought of such torture*

Here’s a little rule of thumb, if some jackass comes up to you talking about the merits of ‘integration’ in denmark, they are a jackass.  Integration doesn’t really exist.  There are some people who go along with the way things are done here in Modern Day Dennimark give or take the odd little flutter (integrated) and those who don’t go along with the way things are done here in Modern Day Dennimark give or take the odd little  flutter(non integrated).

I usually like to give the impression of being more than half way on the way to being fully integrated and I play on the ‘humble aspiring immigrant’ line as heavily as I can get away with, but today I think I overdid it and went too far.

Twelve years of repression plus hats.

Click link below to see how Danish children celebrate receiving a temporary reprieve:

http://politiken.dk/fotografier/soundslides/article1004164.ece

O my god, is it really one whole year since I last wrote about STUDENTERHUE?

(BABSPOST:  “Try not to laugh:  ‘STUDENTERHUE’  aka silly hats’)

Ah.  No, less than a year.  Phew, just as long as I am not repeating myself year in year out in a same crap different year type of way.

THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Letter of the week: JENS SØRENSEN.

You can read it in the comments section here:

http://babsindk.wordpress.com/2010/06/18/the-ludicrous-danish-education-system/#comment-1397

At first I thought it was a ‘fan’ getting into the spirit of mocking and jesting, yet the full horror is I suspect this is a bona fide comment, that Jens really feels this, really thinks this.  I think I speak for about 80% of the culture shocked foreigners in Denmark when I say, this letter is indicative of what we are up against.  Here Jens presents the weary old testament:

“You people are so ignorant that I cannot stomach it. I grew up in Danish schools, went through everything the public schools have to offer and none of that nonsense that you are spewing out has ever crossed me. I don’t know what your opinions are based on but they are sure biased and they sure don’t reflect reality. You have got to use sources that are not just in your mind and you have got to use full sources, but explain one cartoon out of context. Holy cow man, this is pathetic. If you hate it leave it a lone. Denmark is ranked as the happiest country in the world several times over. Every Danish exchange student I have met in the states flies through school with straight A’s. Most of them with a more highly developed English vocabulary than their classmates.”

Do THE DANISH really go around with this point of view?  Are our worst fears well founded?  Have we been ‘right’ all along?

No Comment.  But of course,  you are welcome to add your own.

Dannish mothers/mothers-in-law.

How to celebrate Skt Hans with your DanMother-in-law.

For the last few decades I have been going about a highly scientific exploration into the weird and wonderful world of Dannish mothers and mothers in law.

Danish mothers and/or mothers in law have a peculiar grip on their offspring during adulthood.  Not so during infancy and childhood when independence in children is valued above all else.

Many danwives (that being the international wives of Male Danshish Nationalists) write to this blog with the specter of THE DANISH mother in law hanging ever present in their lives.

In the beginning many if not all Danwives are overjoyed with their Dannish mother in laws, she is so helpful, so jolly and so eager to accept the latest newling into her flock. But you know, sooner or later a Danwife will come to understand that the Dannish mother in law is so solicitous because she works from the principle of ‘keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer’.

Many danwives are cajoled through guilt trips into moving to Denmark to see out their relationships with Dannish Man because Dannish Man ‘cannot’ be away from his mother.  The danwife luffs her Danman so she wants him to have what he says he needs. In most cases the Dannish ‘close family bonds’ will be cited with little regard or understanding for the international wives ‘family bonds’.  This means that international wife will often sacrifice contact with her children, mothers and fathers and other forebearers in order to please Danman who cannot live without Danmom.

Hah, he didn’t have much problem saying goodbye to her when he was shoveled into daycare as early as the age of 6months did he?

What prompted the turnabout?  How come Danmum so fiercely proud of her sons trotting off to daycare at early age so she can find her niche in the great cogs of the Danmachine, and yet, soon as Danson gets to be of age, she suddenly has to see him all the fugging time? It’s not natural I tell you and should be the other way round.

Where I come from (a place of peace, über intelligence and serenity) a mother establishes a well laid bond with her INFANT, holds that child close through childhood and then finally lets go at adulthood so said child can live ones own life.

Not so in Denmark.  Only danwives will understand,  as Dannish women are in on this, because they too will follow the same pattern: turfing their kids out at infancy, letting them go completely apart from ‘qualidee time’ and when they hand out the Friday Candy and get to feel like Number One Mom, and then at some point in their child’s adult hood,  starting to sink claws deeper and deeper into offspring.

The Danmoms use various tricks and techniques to complete the claw sinking in process including:

• sunday lunches
• confirmations
• phone calls
• little postcards
• constant reminders
• invitations to summer houses
• family ‘do’s’
• accompanying grown up offspring on out of Denmark holidays
• getting to know daughter in law’s own family in effort to infiltrate every area of Danson’s life.

It all seems harmless on the surface doesn’t it? But it’s not, and the longer you play along the worse it will get.

My idea of a successful mother is one who has children who don’t need her in adulthood, not one who has adult dependants.

That’s sick. But then again, this is Denmark. It’s all Through the Looking Glass.

Personally I offer my unequivocable support to any Danwife currently having to ward off the constant interruptions a Danmother in law can bring to life and suggest that you be strong in yourself and start by cutting down contact by roughly 50%.  This is even more important if your Danhusband turns into a jelly like creature with a wide gaping mouth and a subdued spirit whenever his mother is around.

Start ordering brochures for old people’s homes and spread them out in a fan like arrangement on your coffee table should your MIL come to visit, refuse to act humble and be the woman you are, instead of the woman your MIL competes with for time with your husband.

Give your husband wild hide the sausage sessions whenever he is feeling guilt stricken about his mother (which happens more than you realise) so that his brain can be washed of all that evil dead end mother stuff.

When a man is a man of course he must respect his mother, even if she is being bad to him, but he must also remember he is a man and that if she didn’t make the bond with him when he was an infant (as is so often the case in this institutionalized culture) it’s a bit fugging late for his mother to try and cram him back in the womb now.

He is your husband: claim him.  And for that matter,  was it really worth sacrificing your own family and/or children on the other side of the world in order to put his mother first?

Hmmmmmm?

Shame on you!  You now have to spend the rest of your life kicking yourself and listening to you mother in law saying “Dejligt!” all the time about anything and everything. And missing your real family who seriously don’t wish your husband would move into their spare room.

Read this for a laugh. Prior knowledge of Denmark needed otherwise you won’t get it.

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Denmark

Insanely funny.  Does anyone know the author of this magnificent piece?

Fave quotes:

“Unlike most countries in the world, the Danes have no actual capital besides Bilka also called A.P.M.Öller Megastore. Therefore, the capital of Denmark is commonly misunderstood as being [Copenhagen], which of course if utterly incorrect. This is in fact a local brewery in Bilka often called “Haps-haps-nu-skal-vi-ha-snaps”, which abuses elephants as test drinkers of their new so-called beers, simply because they can consume more than even Australian women (who thought that is possible??).”

“Denmark has implemented The Scandinavian Welfare Model, which means that no-one in Denmark is left behind (except all the poor people, the immigrants and other foreigners, the elders and students, of course) and the huge middle class enjoys free medical care among other good things such as bad beer and free porn. Poor people are considered immigrants because as stated by the leader of DF “Pia GTFO Kjærsgaard: If they smell like brownies, look like brownies and taste like brownies, they probably are – and I do not like brownies….”

“Most linguists have come to believe that the Danish language, sounding approximately as a seal with pneumonia holding a potato in its mouth, is indeed most closely related to Sealese, though some dispute this and think a relation to Penguinese to be more likely. However, the sealists have gained an upper hand recently, with the argument that there have been longstanding contact between native Danes and Seals. Indeed, after the great Seal invasion in prehistoric times, they often inhabit the same territory, with Danes having numerous habitations on Greenland since the landing of Erik den Røde (Erik the Red, not to be confused with Svend the Green), and the invading seals having a large remaining colony in the marshes of south-west Denmark, the so-called “Tønder Marsk” (which is also the home of the last 0.3 people).”

REHASHED POST: Words you need to know: JANTELOV…

“For any of you who like a nose in the air serious talk about Jantelov, here’s a link to some electronic pages to help fuel your fire so you can wax lyrical:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tall_poppy_syndrome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jante_Law

The aim of these electronic pages is to be relatively shallow when it comes to delving into Danish peculiarities.

Jantelov is enshrined in after dinner conversational patter here, but that doesn’t mean that that hearing about Jantelov is interesting for longer than about 2 minutes.

But being here, as a foreigner in Denmark, you are going to have to at least pretend to have some respect for the conversation pieces you will meet time and time again around the Danish dinner and lunch tables..

My advice is to ask a Denish what Jantelov is all about and then to act as if it is the most fascinating thing you had ever heard of.  Frown in deep study,  making oohing and ahhing noises.

Whenever the talk turns inevitably towards Jantelov I do start to nod off a bit and have to suppress little yawns.  But I try to remind myself that if you give the Denish any impression that Jantelov and talking about Jantelov is about as stimulating as a plate of cold cabbage,  then well..it just won’t do.  Must not make Denish Angwee. They will get their little feathers all ruffled if you are not wery careful.

Little task:  Quickly,  grab the first Denish near you and ask them:

“What IS Jantelov?”  I’m going to do it too…*sounds of stiletto heels scuddering across marble floor*

….are you back?

What did yours say?

My nearest Denish said:

“”……Well…um..Jantelov is…erm.. nobody is thinking that they are better than others..”  (long pause) “I don’t really know…that also means that ..um..well that’s kind of the… er….that’s kind of like the most positive thing about it. The most negative thing about Jantelov is that it also means that… um…. that… er ..that you keep each other down because nobody is allowed to be all ‘who do they think they are driving a car like that?’..”

So I said:  “But this is ridiculous,  just look at the people who live in XXXXX (nearest populated area) they are all in competition with eachother!”

Denish said: “Hmm..well, yes. There are people who don’t give a shit about jantelov..”

I don’t see Jantelov as something real. It doesn’t exist.

Denish said: “Yeah it does,  it would probably be um..it does…it is a little bit like…there are also people who have had success who are talking about their experiences abroad, how they are celebrated abroad but not when they come home to Denmark…”

Hmm.  So many Dannish believe that Jantelov is something real,  like a table or something, and it sits in their lives and has a purpose and a history.

If you have just got off the banana boat examples of Jantelov won’t immediately jump out at you until some Denish nearby suddenly remembers they are supposed to talk about it to you.  One has to be told that the Denish are fair and equal to believe it to be so.  I have never seen examples of people looking down on others in Denmark because they are rich or successful.  Denmark is a nation of brown-nosing sycophants.

However, the bar is pretty low here.  So little investment in education.  So little diversity. No wonder the Dannish peck at eachothers butts like chickens cooped up too long.  The mutt of the group, this being the foreigner or anyone remotely different, they get the worst of the pecking and go get to skulk away in the corner,  while the supremacists then get to strut and preen and admire/envy the Sørensens next door for their spanking new Audi.

There seems to be a lack of drive within the elementary educational system.  Gifted children don’t appear to happen here and when they do they are treated like they are handicapped.  If they are very lucky their parents can afford to send them off to special schools for kids who are gifted (I think there are three in the whole of Denmark, and very small ones at that).

Is this Jantelov in action?

I’m none the wiser about Jantelov today as I was in the very beginning, when Dannish first started telling me all about Jantelov. This is how I believe the Jantelov, the common law for Denish, how it really is today.  I’ve doctored it from the original translation of the Jantelov.

1. Do think that you are special,  especially if you are Danish or if you have a high paid job.
2. Don’t think that you are of the same standing as the invandrer, they elevate you to the status of ‘above’.
3. Do think that you are smarter than some people,  especially if you went beyond folkeskole education, or invandrer,  or people from Jutland.
4. Don’t fancy yourself as being better than anyone,  unless you have a newer car or you live in Copenhagen or a big house with shiny black roof tiles.
5. Don’t think that you know more than us, unless you are a pædagog.
6. Don’t think that you are more important than anyone,  unless you work for the kommune or are an academic, or are behind someone in a bus queue.
   
7. Don’t think that you are good at anything,  unless what you are good at is being Danish, and then try to highlight everything you are good at and talk about it loudly amongst your Dannish.  Talk about how much better Denmark is than other countries ad fricking nauseam.
8. Don’t laugh at your fellow Danes, but do poke fun at every other ‘other ethnic background than Danish’ cultural group and what they hold sacred.
   
9. Don’t think that anyone of us Danes care about any of you other Danes,  we don’t really, wouldn’t p!!! on you if you were on fire, but so long as you pay your taxes that’s just fine.
10. I couldn’t find a proper number ten,  this jantelov list is way too long and I am going nowhere with this.

Advice:  Honestly,  trust me on this one, you gotta perfect a focused look for those times Jantelov comes up in conversation. It’s utterly meaningless.

Does anybody want to teach me about Janteloven so I can write a better post about it?  Have I missed something or am I right about Janteloven being a load of bollox?”

Originally uploaded 2009.

Sunday Morning.

It’s Sunday Morning! To those of you coping with come-downs: have a glass of water and sort your life out!

Here’s some audio and visual presentations about SPOKEN DANNISH! Because I am feeling spiteful. And what a person really needs on a groggy Sunday morning is to hear Danish being spoken.

Hahahahaha- is WERY WERY FUNNY TO MAKE THE DIRTY FOREIGNER TO SAY WOIDS I DANNISH!!!!!! WERY WERY FUN!

hahahaha, Jonas Brudders trying to saying *RUGHJ FUNOOM MED JBKFTYUBÆJ!!!* oh so wery wery fun!

why? why do you want to learn Dannish?

“I am proud of being Danish”

ah. fugg this shid. I am off to feed the hens.

The ludicrous Danish ‘education’ system.

lu·di·crous
Pronunciation: \ˈlü-də-krəs\
Function: adjective
1 : amusing or laughable through obvious absurdity, incongruity, exaggeration, or eccentricity
2 : meriting derisive laughter or scorn as absurdly inept, false, or foolish

During a period of undercover activity when I was giving the appearance of being a fully integrated member of Danish society, albeit integrated into the flock hanging onto the lowest rung, that of the migrants to Denmark, I had the occasion to see ‘behind the scenes’ in Danish schools and institutions.

I appreciate the stress a lot of teachers are under, and that the last thing that authoritative army needs is yet more critisizm,  and the worries of parents who simply want to drop their kids off at school and have the job done and really don’t want to hear any kind of shit about what ACTUALLY goes on.

But you know,  the Danish education system is ludicrous.  Most schooling set ups are, to be frank, but the Danish education system is not so much educating the children as brain washing them and streaming them into one big average group.  One big average dumb assed group.

I’ve perused a lot of the workbooks used in Danish schools, and there really is very little choice.  I won’t name names here, because I feel rather sorry for a) the families whose kids are stuck with those books and b) the sorry assed companies who produce that twaddle. There is the cheap option and there is the expensive option and there is the middle option.  But they all run along the same vein.  The only difference in these books appears to be the quality of the paper used and the amount of pictures in the book.

One thing that is really common in Danish school workbooks is the amount of errors in the texts.  I used to try and make a point of contacting the book companies to point out the errors they made (really, a lot),  but the few times I did, I was told, you know, it doesn’t really matter.

The other thing that is blindingly obvious in most of these workbooks is that a lot of the work being given to be completed by the students is utterly pointless.  I am not going to reproduce any texts on this point because I just can’t even look at the stupidity of those pages.  God knows what the teachers are doing in class, but as a lot of folkeskole seems to be about these godawful workbooks,  suffice to say, they are doing very little except giving the kids a load of crap to do and just ticking the ‘Gave Kids a Load of Crap to Do’ box at the end of their working day.

Don’t even get me started on the national tests the Governcuntment want the kids to do these days, to test their ‘ability’.  What’s that all about then?  Testing the kids to see how much meaningless crap they can do?  The worst of it is, this whole system just sets kids up to progress in the education system so at some point they can put a few letters after their name and be all arty farty with a fucking university education.  They get to feel really clever in the end, and the fact that their entire education has been laid on a ludicrous foundation is not felt.

It’s not the same in other cultures.  I’ve had the privilege of experiencing several different educational systems and Denmark ranks lowest and is the sparsest as far as I can see.

It’s also all about being ‘Danish’.  There is so little space for multi culturalism in Danish schooling.  Built into the lessons are all the little ‘let’s get Danski’ bits.

For instance:  one third grade workbook ( the standard Danish workbook used in schools today) has the following exercises:

- The Calender:  When is:  Fastelavnsmandag?Skærtorsdag?St.Bededag? ……(fast forward over a lot of Danish dates)….2.påskedag? Prins Joachims fødselsdag?

-Write which direction one would drive from:  Ringsted to Næstved? Hjørring to Frederikhavn?….(fast forward over A LOT of Danish places)…Grenå to Randers?

There are loads of other exercises that purely center in reinforcing the ‘Danishness’ of Danish lessons within Danish schools, and this bothers me.  There are chapters like ‘Our World’,  ‘Our Birds’, ‘What do we eat?’…and it’s all about the Dannish Way.  Compare to, ooh, let’s just say,  another developed country that shall remain nameless, but has a multi cultural population (as we do in Denmark) and you will see lessons in the land’s language and literature do not focus entirely on the National Pride.  A lesson “What do we eat?” includes the fact that some people eat halal meat, some people eat only vegetables,  some people don’t eat pork, some people eat bacon and eggs for breakfast. This is what I call an education, a worldly and sympathetic education, when we nudge children towards the idea that we all have the right to be ourselves to have our cultures and to make our own choices without harming anybody else.

I consider the Danish ‘education’ system to be very harmful,  especially to any child who isn’t from a ‘pure’ Danish family.  If you have any other language at play at home then you better watch out for your kids, they are going to get their cultural differences ironed out of them.

In high school one would expect the standard to rise, but there is still so very little to go on.  The Maths taught starts getting intense and it seems as if the children must slave away over page after page of tightly packed sums in order to prepare for some test in the future that will give them the seal of approval:  “You can do crappily presented Maths!  Well done!  Proceed to next step!”

One of the more expensive range of exercise books for elder children learning Danish in Danish schools horrifies me with it’s stupidity and vacuous approach to the minds of growing adults.

Again the all pervasive Dannishness takes precedent:

Here is an example of a daring ‘English to Danish’ exercise I’ve translated:

“You see here some words. They were originally English, but they are used a lot in Danish. Can you translate them into the equivalent words in Danish? Put a cross next to which version (English or Danish) of the word you like best…”

Okay, yeah, let’s translate the following English words into Danish shall we? Bear in mind I am writing these down as they actually appear in the book:

“Browse.  Computer.  Desktop.  Fil. Harddisk.  Hardware. Ink-jet printer.  Laptop.  Memory. (fast forward a lot of fuckwittage I mean, for chrissakes, what the fuck is this shit?????) Surfe. Public service. Actionfilm.  Docusoap. (Remember, these are supposed to be English words..) Design.  T-shirt. Sweater. Cardigan. Pullover.Slipover. (SLIPOVER? FFS!)”

The horror continues. Their words in italics…

“E-mail. Chatte. (mmmm,  let’s see, what is ‘Chatte’ in Dannish?  I mean, it’s a very very common Engrish word) Chip. Downloade. Hacker.  Hot-line. (…fast forward more meaningless crap….) Link.  Log on. And my all time fave: Pervasive Computing.“

Oh shit, there is more.  Come on class, this is Danish, let’s translate these words into Danish and then set a cross next to which we like best, Danish or English:

“Brunch.  Ghettoblaster. Label.  On-line (didn’t we already have that one?) ON-OFF-KNAP. seriously,  you want the kids to translate ‘on-off-KNAP‘ into Danish and then to tell you which one is best?  I tell you what the translation is: ‘You fucking idiots’ is the translation.”

Oh it goes on. What a joke.  And what brainless no brain wrote this shit?  And what brainless no brain decided it was suitable for a class of 14 year olds?  And what brainless no brain buys those books and puts it in front of their students?  And what brainless no brain sends their kids off to schools that do that?  And this is the house that Jack built.

At the end of this glorious double page spread are two final insults to our intelligence:

I have translated them for you:

“What do you think about us Danish using so many English words?”

and

“Are most of the Danish expressions, in your opinion,  just as good or better than the English expressions and why?”

Oh wow, look, the kids in Danish schools are aleady, even at the tender age of 14 being taught how to argue meaningless points!  It’s called DIALOG!  And it’s a joke.

At the top of the page there is a jolly cartoon in glorious color introducing the exercise:  remember this is one of the better quality books used in Danish schools and was developed allegedly by a team of highly qualified boffins who had sat down and used their advanced education to plan a progressive book for schools!  And this cartoon features a kid sat in front of a computer looking crazed and the speech bubble:  “FUCK! Jeg glemte at SAVE FOLDERen med de FILES jeg DOWNLOADEDE fra INTERNETTE!” his friend sat nearby is saying “SHIT!”   Ah, English into Danish eh?  Across the page is another cartoon character shouting “FUCK DIG! Der røg alle vores LINKS til de fede WEBsider!”

I cuss and swear and use potty mouth like a trooper, but the distinction is, I wouldn’t weave that langugage into a lesson plan.

The book holds more ludicrous examples of what is being taught in Danish schools, there are more cartoons, one of a black person, dressed as a lot of black people appear to the Dannish – as a ‘native’ a  half naked,wearing a grass skirt, feathers on his head,a bone through his nose,  bangles on his wrists a blank expression,  carrying a staff with a skull hanging off it.  Two (I suppose) Danish people are walking by and the one says to the other “He is said to be a good witch doctor” the other looks puzzled and has a big question mark over his head.

There’s usually a bit of nakedness in these books,  and a bit of preaching about free sexuality (really) and being open about how shit comes out of bums.  Oh dear, those Danes!

You can’t expect a child who has been brought up with a broad educational background, a rich cultural diversity and parents with a basic modicum of intelligence to cope with this system.

I strongly suspect that the catapulting skyrocketing out of all realms of reason numbers of children being referred to the psychiatric hospitals for diagnosis are due to the fact that the so called educational system in Denmark does not have any space for people who glow or shimmer or who simply dance to an original tune.

There is so much raw talent being wasted in Denmark, but sadly, when all you get at the end of nine years of education here is someone who knows the way from Viborg to Århus and how to check boxes and when Prins Joachim’s birthday is and how to do ‘DIALOG’ and bleat about free speech and sexuality (pah!  call that SEX?) there isn’t much hope of Denmark ever being more than a backwater place.

The brave and beautiful, the outrageous and pioneering, the unusual and exotic, these are not in existence by the end of the Great Danish Education.

Parents in Denmark, you may well bleat and boast about your glorious ‘free education’. There’s a reason why it’s ‘free’,  the reason is it is so fucking CHEAP.

!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

!

!!

Ahh go suck on  Medister Pølser,  you lot do my fucking head in.

Letter of the week: Distressed Danhusband.

“Dear XXXXX-XXXXX,
I am completely normal Dannish man who met foreigner and fell in love.  That foreigner is now my wife and we are very much in love.

When it came to deciding where we were going to set up our little love nest,  we decided that we would come back to Denmark, to my little town of XXXXXX, because I have such a good network here and in her homecountry she only knew a bunch of foreigner who didn’t know nothing about Denmark and didn’t even know where it was.

Obviously I need to live in Denmark because my mother and father live here and because all my friends from folkeskole live here and a lot of my friends from gymnasium and my place of work is here and also my football team and also my cycling and handball team and there is a great forsamlingshus too, where I had my confirmation party.  This is not a hoax, I really need your help.

I thought everything would work out but just lately my wife has begun to refuse to let me XXXX XXX XX XXX XXX,  as we have been in the habit of doing once a week after a bottle of whiskey.  The fact that she used to let me XXXX XXX XX XXX XXX was one of the special things about our relationship and now it seems to be gone, I have also noticed she is putting on weight and has developed a very surly attitude.

She complains that she misses her ‘homecountry’ of XXXXXXXX, that she feels all alone in the world.  I tell her that it is understandable she would miss the country she grew up in, because I would feel like that too, if I was in her situation.  I wish she wouldn’t feel so alone in the world when she has my mother to be her friend.  But the problem is she doesn’t want my mother around and she also complains when we are on our way to Sunday lunch.

Sunday lunch is a tradition in my family,and my mother has always taken care of her family wery well,  even though she had a full time job, and a very busy schedule playing the organ at the local church, she has always sacrificed her Sundays to making her family a lovely nice big dinner.  My wife complains that I spend too much time on the toilet the day after these dinners.  She accuses my mother of ‘stuffing’ me.  She has started to visibly roll her eyes when my father tries to make conversation with her.  She has stopped trying to speak Danish and only barks responses in bad Engrish.

I have tried to help her find work here, but she says she misses her job as a Brain Surgeon.  I tell her that it is unrealistic to expect to get a proper job here since she has only been speaking Dannish for one year. She hasn’t helped matters by speaking Dannish in a very odd way, and she is also refusing to take her traditional dress off. This stands in her way.  She refuses to eat pork too and will not drink alcohol.  It’s like she is hell bent on defying integration.

I’ve noticed that she is scanning the jobs on offer in other countries where she claims she can be employed as a Brain Surgeon again and she is not at all grateful for the job I got her working in a factory and cleaning at nights. And she has stopped letting me XXXX XXX XX XXX XXX.

We had dreamed of having kids one day, and we talked about it a lot in the whirlwind months of our engagement.  She seems to have had a complete personality change.  I suggested she went to the doctor about her mood swings and the doctor prescribed anti depressants FOR ME!!!

But it’s not me that is sick, it is she, my foreign wife.  All she does nowadays is bitch and scathe and plot and spit.  She’s taken to only mixing with other foreign birds and this worries me.  They stop talking when I walk into the room. They email and facebook each other compulsively and whenever I have read what they are writing it shocks me. They are comparing the sizes of their Danhusband privates and joking about their crappy cars.  It seems like they are planning some kind of mutiny.  This would be very embarrassing for me.

I’ve done everything possible to try and make my wife’s life here pleasant and enjoyable but it’s like she doesn’t want to be here any more.  If I ask her why she will speak at length for three to four hours without pausing for breath and her face goes purple and the veins on her neck stand out like some alien beast.  She used to be really submissive. I had no idea this would happen.  I think I have bitten off more than I can chew.

I don’t understand what has happened and I am really worried as to my future and I don’t want to move away from my mummy.

Lots of loaf,

Henrik Søren Sørensen XXXXXXXX”

Dear Hingedick,

I can appreciate your concern.  Your little IKEA rug has been pulled out from under your feet. Everything was going to be so nice. So wery wery nice and fine.  And then some time went by and it’s not nice any more is it?  Perhaps if you had more than Bedstemors Meat Balls to keep your wife here then things would have been workin out.  Perhaps if you were a little bit less Kim Larsen and a little bit more Iggy Pop things would have worked out.  I would advise against blaming culture shock, you have to take some responsibility.

Lots of loaf

Babsalicious x

Iggy King of Hearts.

Denmark. My Denmark Montage.

I find it really amusing that anyone would cling to the myths about Denmark and expound upon them daily. But they do.  Oh they do.  Maybe they work for the tourist board, maybe they have a Danish spouse they want to ‘please’ but either way, they are believing all the bull.  Ting is, Wonderful Denmark is about ten years out of date, at least.

Denmark has a right wing government propped up by an extreme right wing party.  The little mermaid is movable.  Princess Mary is faking it.  Princess Marie is a charming innocent in love.

The queen,  ah, I can’t insult the queen.  I don’t know why, but I am just not there yet.

The following clip is not suitable for children who have been brought up in sophisticated households or for anyone who is not danish.  (I.e:  message to kids:  unsuitable for your eyes and ears okay?? skip the next one, it’s über gross).

The hallowed folkeskole system is on it’s knees.  Children being referred to the psychiatric hospitals for diagnosis in unparalleled numbers.  Take if from me,  married couples here bed hop like there is no tomorrow, and even I have to turn them down.  It seems like Married Danes national sport is extramarital shagging.  Seriously.

The medical system has been cut back.  Every where, every town, every circle, I meet people who have experienced such neglect at the hands of medical practitioners here that I honestly think we’d be better off going to a vet for treatment.  Having said that, our vet is a wonderful wonderful man, and his scalpel has not slipped once,  nor has he ever prescribed the wrong drug or the wrong amount of the right drug, nor has he seriously mutilated or physically finished off (um..apart from when we ASK him to administer lethal injections).  I have joked with him, you know, if ever my arm is hanging off, I would like him to sew it back on.

Denmark the myth!  And now it all comes tumbling down.  Who know what will happen next?

To jolly myself up a bit,  I have been watching some cosy videos about Denmark.  Cuddle up with me and enjoy them too.

Hahaha, oh dear *wipes tears of mirth from eyes* there is something about that Josh guy at the end that I have fallen utterly in love with. I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and feed him some broth. Oh bless his indignant stance!  Shame on them indeed Josh!  Whouda thought that the nasty Danish riot police would batter some wayward delegates coming OUT of the Bella center?  It was a big surprise to me too.  And we all thought the po-po’s were there to stop activists from getting into the center, not delegates from getting out!  Denmark’s weird danskificat way of doing stuff ruined COP15, it was a MESS, a shameful mess. I cringe!

I just want the pompous arrogant windbag dialogging Danes to eat some humble pie and then begin to salvage something from the ruins of Denmark. Your culture lacks.  Face it, let some new people in, and accept what we have to offer.

Okay.  To tell you the truth, I don’t see the point in pretending this is heaven on earth.  I think it is worthwhile to consider we might need to build a society where those who cannot argue for themselves are argued for.  Those people are falling through the cracks here, living half lives or no lives at all.  THIS is part of why I poke.  The other reason is because I think the society here, the smug gatherings here, the smalltalkers and the pifflers and dialoguers need to be challenged.  WHAT are you ACTUALLY doing?  Being Danish?  Is that what it is?  Denmark is going nowhere at this rate. Ah but there is HOPE xxxx

Crazytown Denmark, schools in ruin.

I am not underestimating you fecking IDIOTS.

Indulge me a little while I ramble through a few points.

And all you ‘yaydenmarkers’ can kiss my ass, you are living in a dream world.

Let’s take the hallowed folkeskole system.  A few snippets of news catch my attention.  Firstly there is some idiot bringing out some shit about how a third of Danish schools are too small.  Hahahaha.  IDIOT.  Smaller class sizes have always meant better teaching.  Larger class sizes mean crowd control not teaching.  IDIOTS.

Then there is this shit the government are loading onto the already stressed folkeskole system:  that special needs kids, that being any child who doesn’t ‘fit’ the usual folkeskole system and/or children with medical challenges and/or unruly kids into crime or from families who are seriously struggling with dependancy or brain damage or low IQ or class or invandrer families (what a mixed bag eh?),  these special needs kids cost too much.

So there is this big plan to move special needs kids back to the mainstream schools.

Now, the idea is great, special schools are PANTS.  I’ve seen them, especially here, ohmygod, what terrible places. The kids are patronised and begin to overidentify with their problems, they pick up ‘handicapped’ habits from each other and there isn’t a great deal of expectation in the kids.  They can just be special needs kids and if they learn to write at all, or pair their socks or take a cycle trip into town it’s like :  whooopedoopdo!  let’s break out a fresh page of smiley faced awards stickers, you can have the one that says:  “Let som ingenting!” or “Jeg er den bedste!”.

Special needs kids in Denmark are, as they are in many places, dosed up to the gills with dangerous cocktails of drugs, handed out by the bucketful and by BENT drug dealing doctors.  Kids on drugs in Denmark have skyrocketed.

Denmark=JOKE.

Hahahaha. IDIOTS.

So you know, I don’t think special schools are a great idea.  I especially laugh in the face of the way kommunes have closed down the smaller units and made bigger ‘super special schools’,  holy moly,  WHAT places.  A good way to judge a school in Denmark is to just turn up unannounced.  If the admin. get very shifty about that and demand you come back on open days for the general public or only with a child who has a diagnosis, then really:  this aint an educational institute, it’s a holding area for late abortions.  Seriously.  What place do those children have in society?  Drug ‘em?  Put them in little pens?  Chuck food at them every now and then?  Keep charts on them?  Where next?

I-Di-OTS!

And the point is, so many of those kids, I wager at least 75-80% of those kids, could have a better life, but the system didn’t allow for that BEFORE the cuts.  And it certainly doesn’t allow for it now.

A lot of the kids, especially those with AD/HD or Aspergers or Autistic spectrum diagnosis,  they are basically ‘that way’ because of the limits of the socalled ‘educational’ system here anyway.  I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT DUE TO MANY OFF THE RECORD CONVERSATIONS WITH HIGH RANKIN PROS IN THE BIZ.  So fuck off if you don’t understand or KNOW what I do. The system here creates an overflow. Of course there are lots of kids who end up climbing the walls.

The classrooms of Denmark are so backward, so low in resources that there simply isn’t fertile ground for a child who is in need of a progressive or personally tailored educational environment.  Lord help the Gifted Child too.  I can tell you, the number of times I’ve been relayed stories of children of a gifted nature being told to ‘wait’ for the other kids in class is astounding.

Idiot Danish School System.

This isn’t to say there aren’t plenty of teachers on the frontline who desperately want to see an improvement.  But going undercover I have met mostly the COWARDICE of teachers.  Most just want to keep their job and will plod along working within the slim parameters of what Danish schools offer.

It is so sad to see teachers just plodding along. Oh and the way they wait to be told to strike.  What about an honest to goodness grassroots protest?  What about some illegal shit?  What about barricading themselves into a school building and threatening some extreme stuff?  It’s a joke. Listen, darlings, I know how hard it is for you to teach, it must be stressful, but what about one of you becoming a freaking martyr for the cause you claim to so strongly believe in?  Nah. You won’t though will you? You’ll just internalize it and take 6 months off for stress.

I saw the small local hospitals in Denmark close years ago. This had an immediate knock on effect to the health of Danes. I saw the pathetic protests, a few little plodding along marches and the odd candle in the wind.  Oh dear, Danes, you got no spunk.  And that might be why infertility is such a problem on the rise here. There is no lead in your pencil.  All the women on the pill till they are in their 30′s and then they expect to sire bouncing babies at an age described in midwifery textbooks as ‘mature’.  Try having babies when your bodies are going nutz with hormones in your twenties eh?

You might have guessed the one draconian cut I do support is the absolute removal of government assisted infertility treatment.  Having a child is not your ‘right’.  It’s not that kind of natural system.

DREAMERS.

So the government wants to save money by cutting back on special help for those who the folkeskole system couldn’t cope with to begin with.

Well, this is going to be interesting.  Most school teachers today are dealing with bigger class sizes, more paperwork than ever and dumber kids.

These kids are dumb because they don’t get one on one attention in class.  They are dumb because they watch too much tv and listen to crap pop musak.  They are dumb because they didn’t bond with their parents because their parents were struggling to get the day running and put their kids in daycare when they were babies.  They are dumb because at the end of a long day (school/after school club/tv/ipod/sms/etc) they don’t really have the wherewithall to do homework. They are dumb because there is too much pressure on them and not enough options at the same time as having weirdly permissive parents.  There is this bipolar thing going on, the extremes of being forced into their parents routine during school hours and having a lot of freedom to choose in the free time.

So these teachers, they are already having a hard enough time coping with the so called ‘students’ they do have, and they are just not equipped to cope with a child in the class who might be gifted, or in need of one on one help, or whatever.  I am not saying the special schools do a better job:  they do not.

What I am saying is that Denmark is Crazytown and your government are IDIOTS and we have to remember not only who votes the government in, but who just ACCEPTS this shit without rioting.

Personally, I am looking forward in hope, I hope the Dennish get angry and DO something wild about this shit.  But you know, of course, the sorry fact is that if the Dennish get angry there is a high chance the immigrants will be the scapegoats.

I am meeting even mild manner eco types who are beginning to rumble and grumble about ‘the immigrants’.  It’s funny, but I always did suspect those bleeding heart university educated Liberals were just playing at being interested in what happens to immigrants here.

Agger excepted of course,  because he actually knows what he is talking about.

SUCKERRRRRRRS!

Kiss my ass.

Swivel.

Shut up with your bullshit.

Your system is crumbling and you sit down and eat a rundstykker.

By the way, the following clip is from a danish children’s show called ‘Special Class’. I am not sure, but I am sure the charectors are called Samba and Jeppe..oh no, I am mistaken, they are called Osman and Jeppe.

This shit is offensive.  I want to slap the teacher upside the head she is so typically patronising.

Favourite line in clip:

Special needs kid:  “What’s that?”

Special needs teacher “It’s scissors.”

But see, the system works!  Special needs kid Osman is so integrated, he not only speaks Danshish, but he is perfectly capable of going down the local SPAR.  There was the little problem with the fact that Osman didn’t have any money to pay for his stuff.  Oh well, what can you expect, he is in SPECIAL CLASS.

IDIOT CRAZYTOWN DENMARK IDIOTS.

not in a great mood today, can you tell ?

Way back when…what used to appeal…Denmark of the past.

Here are some aspects of Danish life I used to love and bore people about in my old “Sun shines out of Denmark’s ass” way.

- the blankets people always had on their sofas, oh how cosy!

-the fact that people take their shoes off at the door.

-the integration project (yes really, I used to think it was great the way immigrants were encouraged to drop their old ways and become ‘Danish’)

-the freedom afforded to children, it used to be cute to see tiny little dots of kids wearing school bags bigger than they were navigating public transport all by themselves.

-the hash, is it just me or did Denmark used to be quite laid back about hash?  Wasn’t it just like, oh well, let’s not make a big deal out of it? Didn’t Danish hippies used to be kind of cool and spearheading?

-the blondness – how refreshing, what a lark! How sporty and fresh they all looked.

-the cheap beer, obviously,  I was a lot younger then.

-Prince fags, oh so sophisticated to be smoking European ciggies.

-the cheap liverpostej,  wow, ain’t that like uh PATÉ?

-the hotdogs,  give me one with everything on and then give me one more, one was never enough.  Oh those crispy onions!

-cola in glass bottles.

-the innocence, compared to most Danes I was urbane and vigorous.  Now I realise, it was sadly too true.

-H + M, yes, at some point.

-IKEA, wow it waslike a whole new world.

-funny money…ooh it has holes in!!!

-the playgrounds with lots of unusual playscapes.

-the social system, there was this whole thing about how if you needed help you could get it.

-the school system, but to be frank, I hadn’t looked into it.

-the beaches, at that stage, to me, the cleanest I had encountered in Europe.

-the women, holy moly,  at THAT point all that struck me was their Claudia Schifferesque beauty.  Sure they were all a bit goofy with massive overbites but there was this tranquil prettiness about Danish women then.  This was before they decided that the national look is over sun bed toasted slut on her afternoon off.  Wearing Noa Noa.

-the politics. I actually liked the Danish political system at some point.

-the police, hotties.  One word: Hotties.  Even the big fat ones looked hot in that rig up.

-the um…okay, I can’t remember anything else.

I could spend some time writing how each and every one of the above has now been sullied by the truth of the matter.

However, for one moment, let’s be nostaligic and think of the past.

Drunks on the bus. As per usual. This is Denmark.

I’ve a soft spot for the Salvation Army.  They scrape drunks off the street.  I think most drunks might as well be dead though, because they are not really living, they are just slowly dying.  Until the point a drunk decides to quit the drink, they really might as well be dead, in manner of lame horse, who really ought to be put down.

Most drunks survive because they are helped to survive in some way.  Drunks die if they don’t have their basic needs taken care of. Many drunks still have friends and family,  people who will still walk the extra mile for them, and live with the horror of watching someone silently and selfishly hurtle through a dead life.

Drunks often call their condition a disease.  Have it as you will, drunks.  You’ve got a disease. Oh Lordy!

Many drunks rely on the social system here to take care of them.  I won’t go into it now, but cor:  crikey!  What a lot of drunks on the dole!

When I take buses I always meet drunks.  Drunks take the buses because they don’t drive in cars (or at least, thankfully, a good proportion of people devoting their lives to findin the bottom of a succession of bottles don’t) and because they like to be passengers.

I think not nice the way the drunks in Denmark stink up the buses, or bring their manky dog-of-drunk dog along for the ride.  I loathe the over amorous attentions of drunks, the way they stagger about, the way they sit there like piles of pickled death, their rheumy eyes, the crags of their skin, their sorry sorry jogging trousers.  The clink clink of their empty bottle life in a bag on it’s way to being exchanged for full bottles.

I no like the way the Danes tolerate these drunks, the kind of  acceptance and misplaced pity people have for the drunks in Denmark.

On a trip with a party of kids from out of Denmark,  visiting friends and family, we encountered the usual stink on the bus..someone was sitting quietly steaming somewhere, and on this day it turned out to be two separate drunks sitting on different seats.  As we walk past one of the drunks tries to make contact with one of the children, and for some reason grabs a tiny little shoulder in some sort of ‘I’m a drunk asshole I’m going to grab you to make contact’ way.  You know,  I was patient, and I was not cruel, and I just moved the kids on by and chose not to say anything to the drunk.  After all, what can you say to a drunk?

The children ask me questions and I answer them:

“It smells like that because someone on this bus has been drinking A LOT OF ALCOHOL over a LONG TIME.”

“No, it’s NOT nice.”

“I am sorry he grabbed you like that, I can understand why you were frightened, but he is a DRUNK, and that is what DRUNKS do.”

So tell me, why oh why did the people on the bus around us, who I presume are Dane educated because none of them said anything but just threw us dirty looks in that oh so passive aggressive way,  why did they BRISTLE?

Oh, I’m sorry.  What was the line I should have spewed?  Should I have been more tactful?  Should I have been more forgiving?  More understanding?  I’m SORRY. Are we more accepting of drunks in Denmark?  Certainly looks like it.

Friends from Russia tell me they are sick of the odd little reports in the Danish media about how drunk Russians are (I remember some tv news article about this),  they tell me,  sure Russia’s got the drink too, but Denmark is something else, in the WAY that the Danes do it.

Drunks are part of life in Denmark.  They are not left to die in the streets and most drunks have a sense of entitlement, they can piss their lives up the wall and the state will pay.  Some drunks even like to blame society for their drinking, or their metabolism.  I say, that it’s a sliding scale and the most hardcare drunks in Denmark are merely the extreme end of the scale and that most Danes just keep their drinking at a manageable level.

Having said that, on several occasions I have smelled drink on the breaths of teachers or pædagogs, and this is most likely to do with the fact that these people are drinking a lot at night.  There is this stale booze smell that we get a lot in Denmark.

I met a 14 year old boy dragging a crate of beer home with him today, he was greeted jovially and slapped on the back by his elders.  Um…

I mean, really,  are we any closer to helping the youth in Denmark not become alkies?

Most people act like absolute idiots when they have had a drink, myself included from what I can remember of the long distant past,  but Danes seem to love that whole ‘hurr hurr hurr now let’s act like idiots!’ aspect of drinking oneself into oblivion.

I wonder if all this booze is why the fine features of most Danish ethnic-scandi women morph into something decidedly ‘used’ by the age of 37?

I am not being funny or anything, but you Danes really need to reassess your drinking habits, not least the habits you teach your children.  Stats show that Denmark has some of the worst records for alkies and kiddy alkies.  The worst of it is that drinking is so important to the Danish culture, and it’s not like you are even drinking anything other than cheap beer!

I mean, at least in the hotter climes we can argue that people are drinking home raised grapes.  Here it’s like what?  Freaking Tuborg?  Carlsberg?  Slots?

Ugh.

Right, I’ll shut up now.  You are probably all drunk anyhoo.